Published: 27 Feb 2020

Lewis was growing most dissatisfied with his work and had come to the conclusion it was time to move on. His supervisor found fault in everything he did and Trevor had become more agitated and moody, snapping like a prize poodle at every turn. It was Tuesday’s lunch break when the twig finally broke; Lewis had asked Trevor how his weekend date had gone when the barrage began.

“Listen Lewis I know all about you and fucking McKee, so cut the shit!”

he growled from behind a mouth full of pie, spitting a portion onto the table top.

“What are you getting at?” Lewis asked trying to create bewilderment out of embarrassment. Then it came to him, it was Trevor’s shadow he had seen outside Ashley’s kitchen window that night and it was the same expression in the half light as was now confronting him.

“I’ve been following you two and I know the fucking lot!”

“But there isn’t anything to know,” Lewis explained.

“Then why the fuck are you both hanging around with that poof Ashley?” Trevor demanded.

“I was looking after his house while he was away, as he was recently broken into,” Lewis protested.

“Yea, then why was McKee there?”

“No reason, we found we had things in common and have become mates.” Lewis could see his protesting was falling short of belief and Trevor was becoming more angered with his explanations than convinced. Now Lewis was running out of reasons and with his back hard against the wall of panic all he wished to do was run.

“I’ll tell you what I think Smith, I think you two are arse buddies and McKee is fucking the shit outa’ you and mark my words, I have no intention of keeping it to my self.”

Lewis’ jaw dropped with Trevor’s final barrage and was left with nothing more to reason with. Trevor had found his weapon to use against McKee and well intended to use it, no matter how true it was or how many people it would damage, in much the same manner he had destroyed Val Crosley only to have revenge against Graeme Pine, her pupil and would have against Bob Furlong and his associates if the man hadn’t departed from town.

Now all Lewis wished for was to escape from Trevor’s hell and warn Billy but to do so with Trevor knowing may add more fuel to an already raging fire.

After finishing work, Lewis quickly approached the Royal Hotel but discovered Billy had already completed his shift, so waiting until night closed around his despair he went to the McKee house. He thought of marching up to the door and boldly knocking but that would only cause more suspicion. After waiting for some time with the hope that either Billy would come out or his parents would leave, he went to Barron Street and the vacant block of land behind. Billy’s bedroom light was burning but so was the external light, eliminating the entire back yard, giving him little choice but to wait.

Lewis crept into the vacant block and hid himself behind a clump of bushes to wait his chance. At first the neighbour’s dog gave warning of his presence, bringing Billy’s mother to the back door to investigate, but on observing nothing, she gave complaint about the dog and returned inside, leaving the light burning.

In his mind Lewis went over and over the day’s occurrence to glean its perspective and to assure there was a threat and he wasn’t over reacting. He believed he wasn’t and knew now all that remained was to give Billy warning and decide how best to counter the pending storm. His heart was heavy at the thought Billy may end their relationship or leave Mareeba to be away from the scandal.

It was past ten before the rear light was finally extinguished and Lewis heard Mrs. McKee bade Billy good night. It was another quarter of an hour before the house fell into darkness, leaving Billy’s room with the only illumination in the house. Lewis slowly crept over the wire of the back fence and as he approached Billy’s open window his heart reached his throat and was almost choking the life out of him and as he tapped lightly on the glass of Billy’s window it almost stopped.

“Will.” He loudly whispered, lifting his head into view through the open window, causing Billy to startle from his reading.

“Fuck Lewis you scared the shit out of me,” he growled in a low voice and came to the window, “what’s up?”

“I need to talk to you urgently, meet me at the bridge.”

“Ok give me five minutes and I’ll be there.”

At the bridge Lewis waited impatiently while pacing the distance of darkness under the planks like a caged cat until the dark form of Billy appeared along the river bank.

“What’s the matter?” Billy asked on reaching the bridge.

“It’s bloody Trevor that’s what.” Lewis blurted out louder than he anticipated.

“What has bloody Trevor done now?” Billy gently mocked.

“He’s been following us and it was Trevor who was outside the kitchen window that night.” Lewis’ words came as rapid fire until Billy settled him, “he knows we’ve been staying together and is going to tell everyone that we’re poofters.” Billy agreed that it was bad news but didn’t appear to be over concerned.

“I suppose now is as good a time as ever to make my suggestion.” Billy declared.

With the day’s excitement Lewis had forgotten about Billy’s pending suggestion.

“You are always going on about returning to Melbourne, so why don’t we both go down there? We can rent a flat and you can get shop work and I’m sure I can get bar work”

“Do you mean that?”

“Lewis I told you it would all work out, besides with me gone, Trevor won’t have any reason to carry on further,” Billy sat on the cool grass and bade Lewis to join him.

“When?” Lewis asked as sensibility returned to his thinking and his nerves calmed to the excitement.

“Ashley leaves tomorrow and I will have to go down to Gordonvale and visit my Grandmother and say goodbye, then any time after that and the sooner the better, I’ve had enough of Mareeba anyway.”

It was well past midnight and after once again enjoying each other’s pleasure before parting. Lewis hugged Billy and watched him disappear into the darkness before heading home with a skip in his step and as he passed under Love Building he paused to gaze towards the balcony that was once his bedroom and to him that was his epitome of Mareeba. It was his childhood holidays and a time where he realised his dick was for more than pissing. It was his Treasure Island in a Mareeba sea of late night drunks and arguing aborigines. A world above the ocean of concrete and passing humanity and he wondered if he would ever see it again, while realising he didn’t care, that was then and Billy and Melbourne were to be his bright new future.

Morning brought Lewis into the world with the same skip as the previous night and to commotion at the front door.

“Hey pet there is someone to see you.” Winnie called after answering the door. Lewis quickly followed and was greeted with a surprise, it was Billy.

“Will, g’day’, what are you doing here, I thought you were heading down to Gordonvale?”

“I’m just leaving but wanted to give you some news first.”

“What’s up?” Lewis asked following Billy onto the footpath.

“Nothing much but I think Trevor has been active, his father called my dad last night but I don’t know what was said.”

“Shit!” Lewis cursed angrily.

“Don’t bother mate, my dad probably wouldn’t believe him anyway.” Billy lead Lewis to the car and entered, “I’ll be back later this evening, so I’ll meet you at the Masterson Hotel at about eight and we will plan our departure okay? But don’t tell anyone yet until it’s all planned.” Then as he pulled away from the curb he waved and was gone, leaving Lewis excited and high with expectations.

After breakfast Lewis went to bid Ashley farewell as he was leaving for Cairns on the midday rail motor.

“Then it’s the end of an era Herbie,” Ashley said as Lewis helped him carry the last of his bags to the front.

“I guess so John.”

“Not for you two, it’s only the beginning.”

“Will told me about the plan to go to Melbourne,” Lewis admitted without sharing their latest quandary on Trevor.

“At last, what do you think of that?”

“You can’t imagine.”

“On your way down, you will have to call in and visit,” as Ashley spoke his taxi arrived and Ashley passed Lewis a note of paper, “that’s my address in Sydney.”

“Then I guess this is it,” Ashley held out his hand, “I won’t kiss you in public.”

“Appreciated but I’ll come to the station with you.”

“I would appreciate that.”

Watching the rail motor as it pulled away from the platform Lewis realised his life was changing and for the better, yet his wait for that evening and Billy’s return hung heavy upon him. All through the afternoon he wandered about town. He visited the state school, then past the Masterson Hotel where he was to meet Billy later that evening.

As a boy he had watched the Masterson Hotel grow brick by brick, until it was ready to be staffed, giving his mother employment as house maid. After the Masterson it was to the show grounds and beyond past the pensioners camp where he spent many days with his aboriginal friend during that one term at school. For a moment he thought he would miss his Mareeba but as quickly realised the dream of returning to Melbourne was near and under circumstances he could never have imagined.

Lewis returned home late in the afternoon but was so hyped he again took to the town, then after another meander he returned for tea which he hardly touched, pushing the plate aside he sat dazed.

“Are you feeling alright?” Winnie asked. Her concerned had grown throughout the day, being somewhat born out of the meeting of her son and McKee that morning. She knew well Billy’s reputation and was disturbed with his and Lewis’ association but trusted her son’s judgement not to become involved in anything too precarious.

“I’m fine, just a bit of a stomach upset but nothing to concern with.” Lewis answered, while lightly patting his stomach as proof.

“You would tell me if there was anything wrong?” Winnie added, clearing his unfinished meal from the table, “you are a worry you know,” she said and gravely shook her head, giving a smile that was more a grimace, then with a sigh she left him to his stomach upset.

Lewis lifted from his seat and commenced to leave, it was now seven thirty and time to make his way to meet Billy at the Masterson’s.

“Where are you off to?” Winnie asked.

“To the pub for a while.”

“Do you think you should be drinking if you are feeling crook?”

Lewis smiled, “don’t concern mum, I’ll have soft drink,” then he was gone, “besides I feel fine now.”

Unlike the Royal, the Masterson’s hotel lacked atmosphere. It was a large brick building, with modern furnishing, a multitude of mirrors and bright lighting, somewhat out of character for a nineteen sixties Queensland town. It was clean and tidy, lacking any quiet dim corners to enjoy relaxed privacy.

Lewis sat at the polished bar thinking there was another factor that developed his choice towards the Royal other than the modern outlook of the Masterson and that was the smell, the Royal smelt of honest work and years of happy patronage, while the Masterson smelt of cleaning fluid and floor polish.

It was slow arriving but eight o’clock finally showed on the bright electronic dial of the bar clock and passed and was painfully turning to nine when concern commenced to creep into the impatient mood of Lewis, then as it passed the ninth hour and Billy hadn’t arrived, he decided to take the short walk to the McKee house. The family car was missing from the street and the house was burning bright with electric light.

Lewis paused at the gate and for a moment thought he heard a woman sobbing. Moving through the gate he paused but heard no more. Then as a car entered into the street, Lewis quickened away from the house and along the street into the shadows. At first he thought it to be Billy returning but as it parked and a stranger alighted and quickly walked towards the house.

Maybe Billy had said to meet him at the Royal and not the Masterson, running their conversation of that morning through his memory he remained convinced their meeting was to have been at the Masterson. “Something is wrong,” Lewis concluded while walking back to town feeling somewhat helpless, ‘I’ll try the Royal just in case,’ he fearfully thought but despairingly assured it would be negative.

At the door to the Royal Lewis paused, something held him at the step but with the need for knowledge he continued. Once inside he felt the same sombre air that he had sensed at the McKee house. The usual hum of conversation and laughter was hushed and heads hung low over half consumed drinks, while eyes filled with disbelief stared relentlessly into their amber fluid.

“Isn’t Brian on tonight?” Lewis asked the barmaid as he approached the bar and scanned the room for sight of either Brian or Billy.

“Haven’t you heard?” the barmaid said and again polished the same portion of the bar that she had been polishing since Lewis entered.

“Heard what?” Lewis asked, feeling fear grip at his chest.

“Billy McKee has been killed in a car accident.”

“What!” Lewis croaked.

“He went off the Kuranda Range on his way back from Gordonvale; Brian is around at the McKee house.”

“Oh.” Was all Lewis could answer as he left the bar to stand bewildered under the footpaths dull lighting.

He wanted to run, to scream, to cry but couldn’t do any. Disbelief gripped him and he felt alone. He couldn’t approach the McKee family, nor could he tell his mother and Ashley had gone. He now felt hatred for Mareeba and all who called it home. He also knew that without Billy he could never return to his beloved Melbourne. Not now, not alone not ever.

In a daze Lewis wandered the street without direction until he found comfort standing in the shadows on the vacant block behind the McKee’s residence, staring vacantly at Billy’s bedroom window and wishing its light would shine with the brilliance of the rest of the house but it remained as dead as Lewis’ heart.

As one by one the house lights defused and a sad darkness took its place, Lewis departed for the river bank and settled under the bridge, where he sat his knees tucked under his chin, staring vacantly into the swift flowing blackness of the Barron River, until the first light of dawn filtered through the cracks in the bridge’s timbers touching his tearless cheeks, being too numb to cry.

“You look terrible,” Winnie commented as Lewis returned home, later that Sunday morning, “how is you stomach?”

“It’s okay.”

“Have you been out all night?”

Lewis poured himself a strong cup of tea and heaped three teaspoons of sugar into the cup creating a syrupy consistency.

“Will McKee died yesterday,” he answered mustering as much strength as possible and quickly gulping at his tea to prevent himself bursting into tears. He wanted to but surprised himself on his control, “he went of the Kuranda range.”

“Did you know him well?” Winnie gently asked.

“He was a good friend,” Lewis noticed that his hands were shaking and hid them from his mother’s sight.

“There’s not a lot one can say at a time like this but I know how you feel.”

Lewis thanked his mother for her kind words as his thoughts digressed to an accident during the building of the Kuranda Bridge, when Alex Lucas fell seventy feet to his death from scaffolding. Alex was a good man and Lewis liked him, although his rich Romanian accent meant Lewis understood almost nothing he said but did enjoy the times Alex visited Herberton and took him for drives in his convertible E-type Jaguar. Although it was never mentioned, Lewis could tell his mother had loved Alex and had never totally recovered from the loss.

Sunday turned into Monday and Lewis chanced to avoid too much scrutiny of his relationship with Billy. Lewis had managed to contact Brian on the Sunday afternoon, who advised him the funeral was scheduled for the Wednesday but was to be family only with a small wake at the McKee residence afterwards, which only added to Lewis’ stress, it meant he could not mourn his loss or deliver his farewell.

“Did you hear the news?” Trevor delivered on Lewis’ arrival at Jack and Newells, “McKee killed himself,” he quickly added with an air of callous excitement, to which Lewis didn’t comment.

“It couldn’t have happened to a better bastard!” Trevor spat the words at Lewis rising his temper to an extent he had never before experienced, then without consideration of consequence, Lewis drew back a tightly clenched fist and with the power of grief released its force upon Trevor’s unprotected nose, sending a stream of blood down his white shirt onto the tiled floor of the grocery section, causing the bewildered Trevor to buckle holding his bloodied nose in an attempt to arrest the flow of blood.

“Hey Smith I saw that!” Unfortunately for Lewis, Stan Cook their supervisor had arrived at the point of impact and without hearing Trevor’s provocation loaded the blame totally on the shoulders of Lewis, “what the hell’s going on here!” he bellowed, his gaze directed at Lewis, while directing his sympathy towards the bleeding Trevor but neither answered.

Smith I think you should collect your belongings and…” but before Cook could complete his statement Lewis gave answer.

“Too late Mr. Cook I quit!” Lewis shouted, his voice high and stressed as he departed company, leaving Cook to attend to the whimpering Trevor.

Billy’s funeral was held at the Church of England and behind closed doors, usually a funeral was an open affair but at the request of Billy’s parents the doors were barred against all but family, bringing Lewis to the conclusion the reasoning must have something to do with what Trevor’s father had advised on the Friday night. If this was so, had he been also implicated in the conversation and were the church doors locked against him.

As the doors closed Lewis caught glimpse of a young man standing directly behind Billy’s father. “Will!” he gasped but it could not be and the doors were closed. Twice that day he imagined he had seen Will and twice he had been wrong. Now not only the town but his mind was showing unkind judgement towards him and he was alone within his sorrow.

At the time of the service Lewis decided that he would not be completely excluded from relating his final farewell and quietly sat on the bus seat opposite the church, arriving as doors were being closed and as they did he thought he saw Billy’s father staring at him from the doorway, his eyes accusing and full of hate but when the congregation commenced to sing Lewis fell calm and tried to pray, but couldn’t. There wasn’t any God or afterlife, there was now nothing but a lifetime without Billy and for the first time the tears commenced to flow.

With the conclusion of the service the church doors once again opened to the world. Lewis quickly moved away from his confronting location believing it to be of no advantage to be seen and cause conflict but from distance he watched the elaborate coffin commenced from the church then quickly he departed before the congregation followed.

Back in his room, Lewis retrieved his box from its resting place under the bed and opened the diary to write but found that the words were blocked, as was the reason to record the misery he felt. It was his and his alone and would always be so. He now knew what he must do and collecting the box and its contents, Lewis took them to the back yard behind the shop where Winnie had been burning old cardboard apple boxes in a forty-four gallon drum.

On approaching the burner he heard the shop bell ring and Winnie left to attend to a customer. Tearing the pages from his diary he fed them to the fire. Following the diary was his collection of letters from his grandmother and Sarah, along with Ian’s correspondence, until all was left was Ian’s jockettes, which without hesitation, followed the diary into the flames. Lewis stared vacantly into the empty box then as his mother returned to check the fire, he threw it into the hard rubbish collection and it was not more.

“Are you alright love?” She asked while adding more broken boxes to the flames.

“Yes I was just burning some old letters.”

“Are you going to ask for your job back?” Winnie asked moving back from the heat of the burning boxes then as the flames died she added more.

“I told you I’ve resigned; besides I don’t think they would have me back.”

“John Johns is in the shop and he said that the cowboy position on Gilbert Downs is still on offer,” Winnie suggested although with better judgement in doing so, thinking under the circumstances he would be happier away from Mareeba for a time.

Lewis followed he mother back into the shop and greeted Johns, who nodded and rolled himself a cigarette.

“So young man, what do you think?” he asked as the thin durrie stuck to his bottom lip.

“You mean the cowboy job?”

“Yep, you can still ride eh?” Johns asked and lit his cigarette.

“Suppose so but it’s been a few years.”

A week had passed since Lewis agreed to the cowboy position on Gilbert Downs and it was his final day in Mareeba but Lewis had one last action to perform before he caught his train to Forsayth and that was to visit Billy’s grave. Standing over the mound of freshly dug earth he bowed his head in reverence without prayer. “Will, I will always love you,” he quietly sobbed then turned his back on his youth and all it represented.

Standing on the carriage’s rear verandah, Lewis vacantly gazed back on Mareeba. It now appeared to be smaller and dryer as if parched of love. He also knew he would never again call it home, nor could he ever return to his beloved Melbourne and would always remain the stay behind kid. While his future would be spent riding the horses of sadness.

The End

An ending that many of us of the 50’s, 60’s and even the 70’s know all too well. Email Gary to let him know you are reading: Gary dot Conder at CastleRoland dot Net

To come – Riding the Horses of Sadness.

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