Published: 16 Jan 2020

Four mile beach shimmered in the afternoon sun as Lewis and Billy took a walk along its sands. The waves ran up to their naked feet and as quickly retreated, leaving them in silent company with each wishing to ask so many questions but their thoughts were compacted one upon the other, becoming so entangled that mere words could not justify their asking.

“So much for the fishing.” Billy eventually said as he looked out to sea past the small headland to the south with its group of coconut trees hanging over a rocky shoreline, “not the right weather anyway.”

“I never much liked fishing,” Lewis admitted and looked up into Billy’s handsome face, realising that this weekend was the first time he had seen him laugh, or in fact even smile, softening his troubled handsome expression.

“So Will,” Lewis paused, “I feel strange calling you Will, as since I was a nipper it was always Billy – what about William?”

“Too starchy, Will or Mr. McKee.” Billy enforced.

“Then Will it is, what next?”

“In the words of Ashley let’s suck it and see.”

“Yes I have heard him use that saying.”

“And give him half a chance he would,” Billy admitted.

“And did.”

Both laughed as they turned for home.

Back at the house Billy offered Lewis a beer then fell into a leather chesterfield, his legs parted, showing a run of fine honey-blond hair disappearing under the wide bottoms of his shorts. Lewis took the club chair to the side, from where he could better view the run of hair knowing well its destination.

“Where do we go from here?” Lewis again asked as Billy rose and departed through the kitchen door, he soon returned with two beers.

“I don’t know,” Billy admitted while pondering over the question and its implications. “Somewhere I hope,” he said and handed Lewis a beer.

“Do you realise if it were anyone else but you in the bed last night, I would have shied like a spooked brumby,” Lewis admitted as he viewed Billy through the contents of the bottle, “does this mean I’m a poof?” Lewis asked.

“It means you are you Lewis, so why don’t you just run with it and stop trying to analyse it.”

“Deep mate; that is one side of you I didn’t know existed,” Lewis remembered those very words expressed by Ashley and was beginning to see their wisdom.

“There’s a lot about me you don’t know, so why don’t we just flow with it all and see what happens. If you’re a poof what does that make me?” Billy questioned as he asked and nodded to the bedroom. “How about it?” he offered with a smile, suggestion that they retire there to finish their conversation physically.

Lewis couldn’t say if it was Billy’s cheeky grin or the offering that made him hard but before he had time to agree his shorts were tenting with anticipation as they stripped then ran naked and erect to the bedroom and closed the door.

Monday the public holiday found the two late to rise and around the house until well into the afternoon. Then with the first hint of the day’s departure, it was time to bring a perfect weekend to a close.

It was dusk as they left Port Douglas and neither had spoken at length until they commenced the climb up the Kuranda range for home.

“I have to go down to Townsville tomorrow afternoon; I’ll be away for about a week.” Billy spoke softly as if to avoid destroying what had been a weekend of perfection.

“Why’s that?” Lewis asked not knowing if he was more disappointed that the weekend had come to an end or he would not see Billy for a week, while at the same time bewildered towards the future, knowing Mareeba gave little grace for social encounters such as theirs.

“I have to collect my gear, it’s at an army mate’s flat and he has been posted to Darwin. Do you want to come?”

Both knew it would be impossible for Lewis to do so but the offer had to be made and declined. Lewis wished to say yes but he couldn’t leave work on a whim and if he lost his position it would be difficult to find another in Mareeba.

“I guess there will be other chances,” Billy said confidently.

“You do mean that?”

“I wouldn’t say so if I didn’t – of course that is if you want to.”

As they past through Emerald Creek, and approached the Barron bridge leading into Mareeba, Billy pulled the car to the side of the road and turned off the motor. Without speaking he gazed unspoken at the dark ribbon of road ahead. It was the silence that choked Lewis and he begun to softly sob. Billy turned and pulled Lewis towards him along the seat.

“Come here?” he said calmly and place Lewis’ head in the nap of his neck, “it will all work out somehow,” spoken he kissed Lewis on the forehead then without intention their lips brushed and for the first time they kissed without thought to the social crime they were committing, nor did they care.

“Best to be going,” Billy sighed lightly and restarted the motor.

“I enjoyed the weekend,” Lewis cheerfully admitted.

‘Tell you what; I’ll meet you during your lunch break under the mango trees next Monday when I return,” Billy suggested as he brought the car to a stop near the Graham Hotel.

“It’s all sounding somewhat clandestine,” Lewis made jest of the suggestion but realised it would appear quite strange if they commenced to socialise after a life time of avoidance.

“We’ll work something out, now I’ve found you I am not letting go that easy.” Billy said with conviction then he was gone, becoming just a set of glowing taillights until the vehicle turned at the corner towards home.

“How was the fishing?” Winnie asked Lewis as he arrived through the rear door.

“Caught two Barramundi’s,” he answered proudly, parting his hands to suggest their size and much greater than reality.

“Did you bring them home?”

“Heck no we had them for dinner, hey mum I’m a bit tired, tell you all about it tomorrow.”

That night after taking out his diary he gently replaced it back in its box. He could either lie to its pages by saying that he and his work mates had a great time fishing and drinking, or he could cheapen what was the happiest weekend in his life by avoiding the truth and using code. He did neither, instead entered the date with an asterisk beside and replaced the diary without creating further entry. That asterisk would come to symbolise the beginning of life and realisation who was Lewis Smith.

Sleep was a hard servant that night, his mind drank deeply from the experience, with the scent of Billy strong in his memory and the feel of his muscular body remained impressed against his skin, he tried to comprehend the weekend and where it would lead but could not. Each and very direction his thinking took, returned him back to the fact that in a town like Mareeba, there was no toleration towards their actions. A man either married or remained single, while even one’s unmarried state was often questioned.

Breakfast found Lewis still lost in a sea of emotions, lacking in his usual gregariousness as he stirred and re-stirred his tea, until Winnie intervened, bringing him back to the reality of the morning.

“Are you alright Lewis?” She asked as he gently replaced the teaspoon to the saucer.

“Sure why do you ask?”

“I thought you may be in love.” It was an innocent question she often asked of her son whenever he was in reflective mood but this morning it brought a full flush of redness to his usual pale face.

“No of course not, why do you say that?” he snapped and lifted his teacup to hide his embarrassment.

“You are in love, who is the unlucky girl?” Winnie was teasing.

“Don’t be silly,” Lewis snapped back.

“You’ll be late for work.” Winnie changed the subject and nodded towards the white dialled clock, with its large Roman numbers as the minute hand closed onto a quarter past eight. Lewis clattered his cup against its saucer and within an instant was at the door.

“Don’t be late for tea,” she called after him as the door closed, “I’m doing your favourite; sheppard’s pie.”

“No mum I won’t be late;” she answered herself with a neglected sigh into the empty kitchen.

“I won’t be late,” she repeated to the dishes on the sink, realising that she would also need to hurry as she had her own business to open.

Lewis didn’t go to the Royal that night although he had very little else to do. What could one do in a small town? There were movies and once a month a dance at the town hall or the pub, or pick up one of the town’s bikes, as girls who were free with their affections were often called, or if sexual hardship prevailed one could sneak around the Dunlop Hotel sniffing out one of the native girls. This was now most unlikely as he had in one weekend gone from being the epitome of the heterosexual male to something he could not name and was too afraid to do so.

His mind was racing around Billy and had been all day as he headed towards Ashley’s house, feeling that this night he must have the company of someone who understood his embroilment and Ashley was the only one he knew he could trust with his fragility and emotional state.

“Hello Herbie.” Ashley greeted Lewis at the door.

“G’day.” Lewis answered while directing his way down the hall to Ashley’s couch without invitation.

“Just come in, take a seat; don’t mind me I just live here,” Ashley fired after Lewis as he made himself comfortable.

“Sorry I have a lot on my mind at the moment, have you a beer?”

“What’s your problem – girls?” Ashley asked and handed a beer to Lewis. There was a bite in Ashley’s tone as if he knew something other than what he suggested, or to point was about to be burdened with the lad’s confused sexuality.

“Na, it doesn’t matter, I just want a bit of entertainment, why don’t you put on one of your films?” Lewis requested, “not the porno,” he quickly added.

“What did you get up to on the weekend?” Ashley asked while attaching a reel of Nineteen Twenties comedy on to the projector, “I just received this one from Sydney.” he said, dulling the lights and sending the celluloid spinning.

“Not much, I went fishing at Port Douglas with some of my work mates.” Lewis lied.

“Did you now,” Ashley paused “and what did you and your work mates get up to at Port Douglas?” he added emphasising ‘work mates’ as he sat beside Lewis on the couch, “anything that would make me proud?”.

“Fishing.”

“Is that what they call it these days?” said Ashley his voice almost accusing.

“Yes fishing and I caught two Barramundi, what do you mean?” Lewis noted the suspicion in Ashley’s tone but accounted it to his normal manner.

“Doesn’t matter, want another beer?”

By the time Ashley had wound through two films, Lewis had had enough alcohol to loosen his tongue but still had enough thought to keep his own council. He wanted to spill forth the entire weekend and all that had transpired. He wanted to unload his frustrations and fears onto Ashley and be judged by the man’s wisdom but could not. Firstly he couldn’t find the words to describe his emotions and even if he could, had he the right to declare Billy to the trust of Ashley. It was true Ashley had kept his silence about why he distrusted Billy and would not answer if he had molested Ian but knowing Ashley’s disdain of Billy would he still remain so.

It was towards the end of the second film that Lewis felt Ashley’s hand upon his upper leg and then move gently towards the zipper of his jeans.

With the skill of a tomb robber Ashley had opened Lewis’ package and was inside. Usually simple touch would bring immediate response but he remained limp, even the softness and warmth of Ashley’s mouth didn’t excite Lewis as he sat, his legs wide, his pants around his ankles and his mind in a flurry of confusion.

“Sorry, I don’t think it is in the mood,” Lewis said as he retrieved his pants, lifting them back to his waist but without closing the fly. He wished to be serviced and instead of Ashley’s mouth locked about his heat, he could imagine it to be Billy but even that thought could not encourage erection.

After a second attempt by Ashley, Lewis re-zipped the fly and returned to the film. He sighed. “Sorry,” was all Lewis could muster as he slowly shook his head and released a saddened smile.

“You have been smitten?” Ashley said kindly while boiling the kettle for coffee, “and I think you have had enough beer.”

“It’s not the grog,” Lewis protested.

“I know it isn’t but grog is the worse thing you can hit when you’re on a downer, I should know; I’ve been there enough times.”

Ashley passed Lewis a strong coffee, loaded with two heaped teaspoons of sugar and it still wasn’t sweet enough for Lewis, so a third lessened his complaining.

“So what is eating into you?” Ashley asked.

“It’s a long story, maybe one day I will tell you.”

Lewis paused placing his coffee mug on the small table beside the couch. Quickly bolting to upright he looked directly into the face of Ashley, “tell me something and truthfully, do you think I’m a poof?” his seriousness almost made Ashley laugh but under the circumstances thought it may shatter Lewis’ fragile ego.

“Lewis as I have told you before, I think you are just Lewis and somewhat confused at that, so stop categorising yourself and everyone around you and be you – go with the flow.”

“Funny someone else said that only yesterday,” Lewis responded.

“And who may I ask was that?”

“Never mind you wouldn’t know them,” Lewis said avoiding the pronoun him so not to give rise to suspicion.

“Once more I ask, who was he that gave you such wisdom?” Ashley again questioned, exaggerating the pronoun he.

“I didn’t say it was a he!” Lewis protested.

“Alright whoever she or he was you should take the advice.”

Billy’s absence dragged like a wet and windy week and by the time for his returned Lewis began to think he would not. Winnie had made him sandwiches for work and had given him a flask of tea, which he was sharing with Trevor in their usual spot under the main street’s mango trees. It was Trevor who first noticed and with a mouth full of beef and chutney sandwich declared, “Isn’t that Billy McKee?” nodding towards the post office side footpath.

“It is,” Lewis answered as his heart commenced to race and for the first time that week life returned.

“I thought he had gone to Townsville?” Trevor added.

“How would I know,” Lewis answered with a lie, “but why are you so interested in Billy McKee?” he asked.

“I’m not and like most in this town think he should have stayed in Townsville.”

Lewis didn’t answer Trevor’s remark instead he pardoned company with the excuse he had to go to the news agency, then headed in the opposing direction to which Billy was travelling. Once out of sight of Trevor, Lewis doubled back and eventually caught up with Billy directing him into the laneway beside Pollards Store, displaying humour as he entered while remembering a not so long encounter.

“What’s got your funny up?” Billy asked as Lewis directed him away from the street.

“I don’t think you would believe me if I told you.”

“I saw you with your mate and thought better of interrupting,” McKee said as Lewis approached.

“He’s gone back to work and no mate of mine,” for a time Lewis stood surveying Billy’s form and wanted to kiss him there in full view but he refrained and instead in a manly way enquired after his trip to Townsville. Billy obviously appreciated Lewis’ discretion and continued their generic conversation.

“How was your trip to Townsville?”

“It wasn’t anything but retrieval of my kit and I put a dint in dad’s car.”

“The Jag, shit I bet the old man is ropeable.”

“Na’ it wasn’t much, only kids in the street playing with a cricket ball, fixed in no time and didn’t even tell him.”

“I enjoyed our Port Douglas trip,” Lewis was fishing for a following.

“We will have to do it again soon?” Billy said, “I am starting back as barman at the Royal but the day shift.”

“Good,” Lewis exclaimed.

“Why do you say that?”

“I won’t have to spend my nights avoiding you.”

“What are you doing this weekend?” McKee asked

“I have nothing planned, why?” Lewis answered finding his pulse run with anticipation.

“My parents are away for Friday and Saturday, won’t be back until sometime on Sunday, so why not come around Friday night.”

“I’d like that,” Lewis agreed eagerly, finding it difficult not to become totally overwhelmed by the suggestion.

“Do you know the vacant block in the street behind our house?” Asked Billy, Lewis said he did but couldn’t deduce the significance.

“Come through there and enter through our back yard, my room is to the rear and I’ll leave the back light on for you.”

Lewis quickly agreed understanding Billy’s reasoning, as neither wished to be seen together in public, while wishing they were living in a city where one could easily melt into the crowd. In a town such as Mareeba tongues would soon wag and there would be nothing more tantalising than scandal on Billy or the McKee family.

There was a story of two middle age bachelors who defied Mareeba’s undercurrent of toxin and shared a house in Herbert Street. It chanced a neighbour pontificated vicious allegations about the men, which spread through the town at the speed of a bush fire. Eventually after a torrid of abuse, their house was raised to the ground in an arson attack and after the receipt of many death threats from rednecks and fearful parents; the two left the town and were never heard of again.

It came to pass they were actually cousins and their mothers were sisters from the Mossman district. Being the only surviving family, the cousins had inherited the house in Mareeba from an uncle and being pensioners with no abode of their own, shared their inheritance. Alas this information came too late and not only had their home and property been destroyed but their reputation as well.

It was true the incident of the two being all but evicted from the town took place long ago between the wars but was as equally true that the advancement of society brings with it all the baggage inherited all the way from the Stone Age. If you scratched the surface it would pour out like pond pollution.

Lewis had experienced much prejudice during his time at the hostel, where even he was guilty of accusation and worse hypocrisy, accusing other lads of malpractice while secretly he enjoyed the occasional mutual masturbation with a likeminded friend. That was different, he was straight and what he enjoyed was believed to be experimental but even then at such a tender age, Lewis subconsciously felt it was more. Just mates was his catch cry, or one he attempted convincing his own appraisal but each time he passed that vacant lot in Herbert Street, which rightly or wrongly he assumed to be the site where the so called cousins lived, he was reminded of past prejudice and his present situation with Will McKee.

Once back at work Trevor asked what Lewis was doing down by Pollards and who he was talking to.

“Some bloke from the Railway yards and I wasn’t at Pollards, just walking past.” He then realised his developing opinion of Trevor was sound, believing him to be worse than an old village spinster when it came to gossip, so it was wise in guarding his business from his work mate.

“Hey do you know a fella’ called Bob Furlong?” Trevor asked while they worked at tidying the store room.

“Not really but he did approach me at the Royal a little while back about working some joint he was opening.” Lewis believed his answer innocent enough while expecting to hear Trevor had also been offered the position.

“Lucky you didn’t agree, unless you like having a tail on ya’ arse,” a pause and a crude laugh, “or in it.”

“I don’t get your meaning?” Lewis admitted.

“He’s a fucken’ poof; no worse than that he’s a child molester.”

“No shit, how do you know that?” Lewis faked surprise.

“Just believe me I know and I’m gunna’ bring the cunt undone.”

“What are you the town’s sex police you’ve already destroyed Val Crosley’s reputation?”

“This is different, depraved buggers like Furlong don’t deserve to live.”

“Whatever, I don’t want anything to do with him or your intentions. It makes you as bad as Furlong.” Lewis shrugged away the conversation and continued his work.

“Want me to line you up with a root for the weekend,” Trevor offered fervently, putting aside his suspicions of who Lewis had met at Pollards and his intention towards Bob Furlong.

“Where do you find all these willing sheilas?” Lewis was astounded at his tenacity and persistence, while shaking his head in disbelief.

“Word of mouth mate, they all know I’ve got a big dick and want it.” With a showing of humour Lewis groped a quick hand full of Trevor’s crotch feeling something quit average beneath the thin material of his trousers. ‘no underpants,’ he thought and quickly released his squirrel hold, “hey mate the mongrel tick infested dog next door had a bigger dick than that,” Lewis declared as Trevor retracted from his grasp.

“Ya’ dirty bugger!” Trevor yelped then laughed, “listen it’s what you do with it that counts and I have great technique.” As he spoke he took a hand full of his own crutch and shook it, “technique mate and you’ve either got it or you ‘ain’t, so what are you doing this weekend?”

“The pub I suppose.” Lewis said trying to sound as dejected as possible, believing that guilt lay behind every expression and every word he spoke.

“I don’t believe you, you’re up to something.” Trevor looked deep into Lewis’ eyes as if he was searching for some hidden truth but all he found was self-reproach yet could not recognise it as such.

“I’m not up to anything.”

“You’ve got a bird eh.”

“No, why do you say that?” Lewis turned his now crimson face from Trevor’s gaze and to his work.

“You have been moping on all week like someone in love and for a moment at lunch I thought you had caught sight of this illusion and had taken off after her but all I saw was Billy McKee.”

“I told you I went to the news agency.”

“So you said at quick pace and why come back the other side of the street?”

“Christ Trevor, am I now going to receive the treatment you gave Val Crosley and intend for this Furlong fellow?”

“Don’t get your balls in a twist, I was only asking.” Trevor backed away.

“Then stop it okay?”

Lewis was now positive his opinion of Trevor was correct and he would have be even more careful around him than he at first thought but likewise he wished to sow the seeds of forgiveness in Trevor towards Billy, so he could at least socialise with Billy in general public without comment from his work mate.

“Don’t you think McKee’s changed since the army?” Lewis asked.

“Leopards don’t change their spots, a mongrel is always a mongrel and McKee is a mad dog.”

“What did he do to you to deserve your spite?” Lewis once again asked, believing this time Trevor was willing to be forthcoming.

“A broken arm and busted nose, I still don’t breathe properly.”

“When?”

“In sixth grade.”

“And you’ve held onto it since then?”

“Wouldn’t you,” Trevor physically clenched his fists, released and clenched again bring Lewis to believe enough was said on the subject of Billy McKee. “I’ve moved on from all that and am prepared to forgive him,” Lewis softly spoke.

“More fool you,” Trevor’s mood dove further towards anger and polarised totally on McKee, “All I can say is if you start kicking around with the cunt, don’t expect me to socialise with him or you.”

“I didn’t say I wanted to socialise with him. I only meant that if he were to talk to me then I would respect the fact.”

“Good for you!”

Once spoken the subject changed and once again became centred on Trevor, his dick and how many fucks he had had and his technique. It appeared his latest hadn’t yet given up her virginity and was a month or two under aged but gave great head and swallowed.

“You’re gross and she underage while your accuse Bob Furlong,” Lewis criticized shaking his head in sad pretence as he moved away from Trevor’s barrage of sexual narration.

“That’s different she’s almost of age, what that cunt chases are young boys and he’s an old man.” Trevor fired after Lewis who turned back towards the conversation.

“If she’s underage it’s the same by law.” Lewis protested.

“Bull Lewis you are starting to crap me off.”

“I agree with you if this Furlong fella’ is molesting children but what I don’t agree with is the vicious way you go about it all. It is as if it is eating your guts out.”

Trevor quietened yet by his design still had more to say on the subject but noticed Cookie loitering at distance and ready to interpose. And he did.

“Haven’t you two got work to do?”

“Doing it Mr. Cook,” Trevor answered.

“Then get on with it without the chatter.”

Lewis paused as a thought came to him. Possibly Trevor had once been that child who had been molested. Had some older man had his way with Trevor? If so he could understand Trevor’s attitude but not condone his method and sooner or later he was sure to turn on Lewis. A shudder came with the thought and reassurance towards caution, as he would need to keep his developing friendship with Will reticent.

Gary’s stories are all about what life in Australia was like for a homosexual man (mostly, long before we used the term, “gay”). Email Gary to let him know you are reading: Gary dot Conder at CastleRoland dot Net

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