Published: 26 Dec 2019

“What happened between you and Jody?” Trevor enquired of Lewis as they stacked fresh product. Trevor held up two rock melons to his chest in suggestion they were breasts, then whistled loudly and moved them about in a fondle, “you reckon Jody’s tits are as large as these cantaloupes?

“You’re disgusting and she is your cousin.”

“Well what happened between you?”

“Not much I visited her last night and she told me to piss off.”

“Why?”

“Dunno I was too pissed at the time to remember.”

“Christ man there you go!” Trevor replaced the melons and shook his head in disbelief.

“What’s wrong with you?”

“Wrong, Jody hates drunks, her old man’s a drunk and even more she hates fools.” Trevor sighed and again shook his head in disbelief, “Christ, you’re both, I set you up with a good root and you go and fuck it up!”

“I didn’t ask you to,” Lewis irritably replied then moved away to work in a different section, “besides she’s strange!” he called back across the grocery section.

“No Lewis you’re strange.”

“What does that mean?” Lewis snapped.

“You haven’t horse sense to hold on to a sure thing.”

“Get off it Trev, I don’t need your help to get laid.”

“Then forget about Jody, I have another cousin,” Trevor suggested as he passed carrying a box of cucumbers, “and she is so dim-witted even you could make out with her!”

“I’ve about had enough of cousins!”

“With Lisa I suppose just as well.”

“And why is that?”

“Lisa’s got no tit, has buck teeth and bottle end glasses – do you want to come out for a drink tonight?”

“I don’t think so, I’ve had enough of drinking for a while as well,” said Lewis, still suffering from the night before and smarting over his arrest.

“I won’t have you arrested.”

“How did you know about that?” Lewis said surprisingly.

“As you said cousins, it just happens that Jim Stanley is a cousin of a cousin of mine, or something like that Christ knows the connection with my family, they are a randy lot. I heard it from his old man this morning when he came to collect dad for work. Jim spent the night in clink with Bolton and that you were with them in the car. The local cops are in his old man’s pocket and they got off with a warning.”

“Shit mate is nothing private in this town?”

“Not a lot and by the way remember me telling you about Val Crosley?”

“The school teacher having one of the jokers in her class,” Lewis recollected.

“That’s her – got the bitch,” Trevor appeared to be savouring the thought.

“How?”

“I sent an anonymous letter to the head, signed a concerned parent; even managed a photo of them together.”

“What at it?”

“No dummy but she did have her hand on his shoulder and appeared somewhat amorous. By his expression I think she was calling quits, so I had to act quickly.”

“Trevor that is more than cruel it’s downright spiteful.”

“I told you no one crosses Trevor Davies and gets away with it.”

“It was Graeme Pine you were after not his teacher.”

“Collateral damage I guess.” Trevor laughed.

Another Letter and this time it wasn’t from Sarah but from Ian and uncommon for him to put pen to paper. Lewis hesitated in opening the plain white envelope in case of bad news.

“Who is the letter from Pet,” Winnie asked as she watched his antics over the top of the latest issue of the Australasian Post.

“Ian.”

“Why don’t you open it instead of fiddling with it?”

“It may be bad news.”

“Only one way to find out,” Winnie recommended while reaching for a pen and applying her attention to Mr. Wisdom’s Whopper’s crossword puzzle. “Are you still going to the wedding now that you and Sarah are no longer?”

“Are no longer what mum?”

“You know whatever you considered you were.”

“We were never all that close anyway.”

“That’s what I meant. If you kept away from the pubs and your boozy mates you may find a decent local girl. There is a dance at the town hall Saturday night, why not go along.”

“I can’t dance, besides it was only once and won’t happen again.” Lewis assured.

“I hope not, John had a right telling off by that new sergeant.”

Lewis opened the envelope and read the short note.

“No I don’t think I’ll be going to any wedding,” he answered folding the letter and returned it to the envelope.

“Why not?”

“Its going to be a double wedding, Sarah is to marry her cane farmer at the same time and they have put it off until later in the year. Ian says he still expects me to come but I don’t think I will because of Sarah,” Lewis paused then with a sigh continued, “I don’t think it would be fair on either Sarah or me if I attend.”

“That is a point,” Winnie agreed as she returned to her crossword.

Once alone Lewis again referred to Ian’s letter lest he had missed something but it was all there in red ink exactly as he had read to his mother, leaving out the fact that Sarah, with all her chastity, was pregnant to her farmer and her nurses course had been put on hold, if not cancelled.

As he again read the letter in private a touch of jealousy overcame him. She had only known the farmer a short while and he gained entry, while no matter how often Lewis had tried he had been barred. Conclusion being the farmer must have forced her, completely forsaking the fact that he lacked the powers to woo a female. Too many years living with boys at the hostel had left him deficient in that field.

Lewis then digressed to Mary Mitchell in the back of the hostel’s utility, while returning from a day’s outing to Lake Echam. Even then it took twenty miles for him to kiss Mary; and at journey’s end he had only lightly brushed his lips against her cheek. He recalled how nervous he had been and how eager he was to apply his lips to hers, then the thought was gone and the fact that Sarah had allowed an almost stranger to go where he had tried so often was burning a gaping hole into his ego.

Lewis folded the note, tore it into two, then four and eight and dropped the pieces into the paper bin, assuring he would not be attending either wedding. Placing all thoughts of jealousy along with his failures in the tidy with the torn letter he departed to visit Ashley with the news and a measure of sympathy.

“So your little Sarah is to marry?” Ashley said after Lewis had spent more time than deemed necessary to dictate the situation, “and you’re feeling dejected and jealous?”

“No I don’t care.” Lewis answered showing annoyance towards Ashley’s lack of empathy.

“You must care as you have just spent a good half hour going on about it.”

If Ashley could be accused of anything it would never be hypocrisy and even if what he said mostly had a gay slant, it was to the point and often Lewis needed to be told in direct terms to bring him back to the reality. Now Lewis felt hurt and became silent, taking on a sulk.

“Look Herbie you didn’t love her. Did you?” Ashley spoke with a deep and serious tone.

“Not really.”

“Not at all, you just wanted sex.”

“That’s a bit to the point Ashley,” Lewis said, yet realised the truth in the statement but not wishing to admit it.

“Well?”

“I suppose you are right.” Lewis agreed as he came out of the sulk.

“Then go fuck Jody,” Ashley laughed, “or me!”

“Jody’s given me the boot and I’m no poofter,” Lewis stated then used the following ten minutes explaining his position with Jody.

“You are one dejected puppy,” Ashley said and offered Lewis a beer.

“No, after the other night I think I give it a miss.” To which Ashley thought better than ask what had happened, as the day was not long enough for another of Lewis’ renditions.

“Lewis you should lighten up and go with the flow. Stop trying to be so masculine all the time, just be you.”

“But I’m not a poof,” Lewis blurted out, “and I’m going to marry and have kids.”

“There you go again, what I am trying to get through to you is, be yourself and stop trying to place deeds and people in categorised boxes.” Ashley paused and reoffered Lewis a beer, this time he accepted it. Lewis pushed back deeply into the couch as he slowly sipped his beer and for the first time that evening he fell silent and listened.

“You categorise me as a poof but you don’t really know me at all. What you don’t know is I am married and have two kids, boys and they live with their mother in Sydney.” As Ashley spoke Lewis’ mouth fell open in disbelief. Ashley continued, “I knew that I was different before I married but thought the love of a good woman would conqueror my atypical thoughts.” Ashley’s voice had become saddened as he spoke, loosing all its usual style and pretence. “The problem was I did fall in love with Alice and her with me and for many years, between the two of us we tried to make it work.”

“Did you divorce?”

“No we are still married, I offered to give her freedom but she refused, eventually we physically moved apart but emotionally we are as strong as the day we met, but she did eventually meet another but refused to marry him.”

“What about the kids do they know about their father?”

“They know, you see Lewis not everyone in this world is concerned with placing people in little boxes, so as I said before don’t you, just be your self.” At sentence end Ashley’s face again took on humour, the veil of the past lifted and his usual characteristics became abundant, bringing Lewis back from melancholy to a hot Mareeba evening and the company of a cold beer.

“Another?” Ashley asked.

“Why not.”

Ashley passed the beer and went about programming his night’s radio entertainment. He checked the time, realising he would soon need to leave for work the midnight to dawn shift.

After some deliberation Ashley paused, placing his pen to the table top. Becoming serious he spoke. “You do realise you’re not the only little starfish in the sea?” he spoke across Lewis’ pensive mood.

“What does that mean?”

“You aren’t the only young man in this town giving mixed messages about their sexuality.”

“Oh.”

“I know of two young men in town who grew up together as neighbours and are working partners in the building trade and best friends, both are bisexual and have no idea about each other.”

“And how would you know that John?” Lewis’ interest was building.

“You aren’t the only one who knocks on my door.”

“Oh,” the penny dropped, “who?”

“That would be divulging a trust and as you are well aware I would not do so.”

“You are devious,” Lewis accused.

“I’m not the one knocking on my door Herbie.”

Lewis appeared to be in thought and with a cheeky smile he commenced a question. Pre-empting the question Ashley cut him short.

“No Herbie, I’ve already said more than I should on the matter and only to place your paranoia at ease but I will say one thing, both have girlfriends and one is engaged to marry, at least you don’t have that quandary to concern with.”

“At the moment,” Lewis agreed.

“Right, finish you beer and off you go. I have to leave for work soon and I haven’t finished my music list.”

It was late when Lewis left Ashley’s for home and although he disagreed with Ashley over his sexuality, he was totally taken back by the fact that Ashley was married and had children. Lifting his opinion of the man from gay theatrical to the realm of somewhere near normality but not quite normal. As for himself, too much had happened over the past months to satisfy his understanding of any future needs or wants. He wanted his life to be simple and normal. He wanted family and love, although a great part of him did not understand love or how to love, or if he could love at all. As he reached the Graham he continued on towards the Royal but it was long past closing, once there he continued on to an unknown destination. It was the destination of thought and reason and until he had made some sense of his muddling he would walk.

A the gate of Jody Lewis paused and found the house to be in almost darkness, only a dim light came from her room through drawn curtains which defied the night and his sight. Only imagination would allow him access beyond the drapes and this night he had none.

Around the next corner was Trevor Davies’ house which like Trevor’s character was alive with light, offering any who chanced by entrance and the warmth of a good joke, which Lewis could not accept in his present state.

Onwards he arrived at the gate of the McKee’s residence. It being foreboding and dark, while the house hid behind a tall fence, overgrown with trees. It like Billy was all façade; shielding its pretence with an over developed shell. As Lewis stood at the gate the front door opened to expose Billy McKee.

“Good night dad,” Billy called back as he closed the door and walked to the gate. Lewis quickly hid two houses away behind a small hedge in time to see Billy leave by the gate, tossing a set of keys into the air before re-catching them, while whistling as he walked towards his father’s car. Seconds later Billy disappeared into the night, in the direction of the Cairns road. Lewis now felt alone in the world, with no place to go except home but his mind defied doing so. On he walked until he reached the grassy bank of the Barron River, where he sat in the warm night air and watched the moon glisten on the deep black water as it silently passed by his vantage.

Lewis drew deeply from the warm air and held it in before releasing his breath to join the river’s flow. The night was hypnotic and he became enchanted. Soon his troubles dissipated as he decided to take Ashley’s advice and try to, in Ashley’s words, just go with the flow. There was nothing else he could do anyway, he had no control over other people only himself and maybe for the first time he realised that.

“Well Lewis Smith what are you going to do about it all?” he spoke loudly.

“Nothing.”

“There is nothing I can do so like the water just flow.”

“What about my future?” he asked of the dark swift run of river water.

“Leave it to look after its self.”

“Who really am I?” he questioned.

“Dunno,” he answered in a sigh, “don’t bloody know, someone I suppose – someone who seems to be at amiss with people – someone who is buggered by where to put his dick.”

“I guess it doesn’t really matter,” Lewis concluded and with that final thought stood from cool the grassy bank, took one last look at the water and headed for home. It was past two in the morning before he turned into his bed.

It’s funny how things always seem clearer with the morning’s sun. This morning all was back to normal, except for an urge to progress through life without worrying what the future would bring. At work Trevor bragged about his latest conquest and once again attempted to set Lewis up with another of his so called good roots, which Lewis didn’t directly decline instead offered a maybe one night and changed the conversation away from the exercising of Trevor’s dick.

“Hey Smith!” Stan Cook called from across the store, distracting him from Trevor’s conquests.

“Have a job for you.”

“What would that be Mr. Cook?” Lewis asked cheerfully.

“Front window display needs fixing, get rid of the dead blowflies and spider webbing, also the corner display has collapsed.”

“Girl’s work,” Lewis cheekily whispered to Trevor.

“I heard that Smith, do you think you are girl enough to do what is asked of you.”

“I guess so Mr. Cook.”

“Then get on with it, as for you Mr. Davies, get on with your stacking and the shop floor needs mopping, someone dropped a milk bottle.”

“Also girls work,” Trevor agreed but although Cook heard he let it be.

Lewis found it refreshing to be away from Trevor as he worked the front windows of the shop. He liked Trevor and found him funny but was beginning to realise there was a dark and sinister side to him. He also found his work mate to be over powering and needing a break he jumped at the chance to redesign the window, even if it was thought to be girl’s work.

Lewis had been working for some time when he felt as if someone was watching him from the street. As he turned towards the window glass he saw Billy McKee standing in all his handsome glory. His blue jeans appearing as if they were painted onto his body and displayed most everything he owned. As it was often said one could almost see his religion.

McKee stood gazing at Lewis, his head cocked to one side and wearing a smile that could spread happiness across a generation, while his ginger blond hair seemed to glow in the hot Mareeba light. At first Lewis flushed red with embarrassment, and then as McKee moved away he felt something tug at his stomach and felt beads of sweat form across his forehead, while his pulse quickened. “He makes me nervous that’s what it is.”Lewis softly murmured while shifting part of the display across the window space and nerves became the answer for sweaty palms but he could not understand Billy’s change of attitude towards him. Surly a lifetime of sarcasm could not be dulled by a few months in the army.

“Hey Lewis lunch break want a pie?” Trevor called across the display window.

“Sure I’ll just finish this.” Lewis answered stapling a length of green cloth to the edges of a stack of wooden boxes, “finished.”

The two found their way to the pie cart that parked each lunch break in the laneway beside the Royal Hotel and with two steaming meat pies each they settled on the seat below the mid street mango trees among a scattering of empty wine bottles wrapped in brown paper bags.

“Bloody drunken Boongs!” Trevor growled kicking bottles under the bench seat and sending the dregs of one to spill out across his shoe, “fucking shit!” he shouted and wiped the spillage onto a tuft of grass, “I only bought them yesterday.”

“Hey did you know I’ll have to register for the army draft this year?” Lewis said as he started on his second pie.

“You may have to go to Vietnam,” Trevor laughed, “and kill commies.”

“What about you?”

“Na the year after, it will be all over by then,” Trevor displayed confidence and threw his pie wrapping under the bench with the discarded bottles.

“Maybe you could get out of it like McKee,” suggested Trevor.

“Hey what did happen there?” Lewis asked and licked the last of the tomato sauce from his fingers.

“Now that is something else.”

“What do you mean?”

Trevor thought for a moment then shaking his head, “no one knows; the family is keeping quiet. He’s probably too stupid to kill,” Trevor joked and finished his second pie, “you know I could go another pie.”

“Sorry mate I just saw the pie cart drive off. McKee’s not that stupid you know.”

“Come on we’ll be late back to work,” Trevor said as he jumped to his feet.

“Do you know much about McKee,” Lewis asked while crossing back to the shop.

“Nope, at school he was two years ahead of me.”

“But you must have seen a lot of him around town.” Lewis then laughed, “He’s most probably one of your bloody cousins!”

“As a matter of fact he isn’t – well not directly. Although I am told there is a family connection but not blood, I believe his Cousin Brian’s mother is sister to McKee’s mother and through marriage related to my mother, or something like that.”

“I only met him a few times when on holidays from Herberton and back then he gave me hell.” Lewis paused as they entered the store, “now he’s all polite and first names and it’s spooky.”

“Can’t say mate, maybe he’s gone soft in the head.”

“You don’t seem to like McKee, what did he do to bring that about?” Lewis asked as he added just one more to the known list of those who held disdain towards Billy McKee. As for his reason Trevor didn’t present an answer, instead he raced ahead of Lewis and beat him into the store, warning Cookie was close by and as they entered Stan Cook called.

“You two, who wants to do some overtime tonight?” Neither answered.

“Seeing you’ve lost your tongues, you can both do so, there is a new delivery coming in late.”

That evening as the two left the store Lewis once again enquired why Trevor disliked McKee, discovering that it wasn’t only Billy he disliked but his entire family. Trevor’s face distorted and the subject once again arrived why Billy had left the army. “I will find out, mark my words I will,” was Trevor’s only addition to the subject.

“Why is it so important for you to discover the reason?” Lewis asked.

“Not important but it would satisfy my need to revenge something.”

Lewis then backed away from further conversation on the matter.

Billy McKee played on Lewis’ mind for the rest of the day. He came up with one reason after another but discarded them all, until there were no more reasons to be had. He lay awake that night revisiting each reason then finding sleep hard come by, he switched on the light and retrieved his diary box from under the bed.

Removing the underpants without even a thought for Ian he retrieved his diary and commenced to write, hopeful placing words to paper would clear his conundrum on McKee but instead it only increased his confusion.

Wednesday – 3^rd. July 1968

Saw Billy McKee outside the shop today, he was looking at me through the shop window and he actually gave me a smile.

It’s a bit of a worry when McKee smiles. Maybe what Trevor said is true and the army made him soft.

Talking about the army, I will have to enlist later this year and part of me wants to go but it’s all a bit scary. I only thought of my registering with Billy’s return I wonder what Billy McKee did to be chucked out of the army. I asked Trevor who knows everything and everyone but he hasn’t an idea. Also Trevor hates Billy with a vengeance. There is also something else about Trevor a hidden side that one could find dangerous if you got off side with him.

Gary’s stories are all about what life in Australia was like for a homosexual man (mostly, long before we used the term, “gay”). Email Gary to let him know you are reading: Gary dot Conder at CastleRoland dot Net

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