Published: 19 Feb 2024

Peter’s visit with Alun was originally intended for a week but after the third day he was called back because of some problem with staffing. Even so his stay was long enough for Alun and Tay to become acquainted with his bride to be and set up a framework for the wedding.

During the evening before Peter departed back to the city Alun again enquired about Jillian and if he had further been in contact with her. Julie is in their room packing for the morning’s departure while Tay is at the stables, as one of the horses had gashed itself against a wire fence but not severe enough to call for the vet.

“Scotch?” Alun offers from the quiet of the room.

“I don’t mind if you are offering.”

Alun mixes the drink and pours himself a beer.”

“You never did get used to spirits,” Peter says.

“I was remembering an occasion,” Alun answers and passes Peter his drink, “It was in my first year of high school and dad caught me sampling his Chivas Regal.”

“Yes the old bugger always liked the top shelf.”

“Anyway dad caught me sipping from the bottle and he snatched it away. You like a drink do you boy, he said and poured almost a full glass. Drink it, he demanded and made sure I swallowed the lot down in one gulp.”

“Dad did that!”

“He did and I chucked the lot, including dinner across the lounge room floor.”

“Then what?”

“He said the next time I catch you stealing alcohol, you’ll get a boot up your arse as well; now clean up your mess.”

“You were asking about Jillian,” Peter diverts.

“Only if she is well, I don’t wish to pry into her business.”

“I saw her last week. She is living back home now.”

“I did telephone her mother some time back but she said she hadn’t seen or heard from Jillian.”

“At that time it was probably true but since her father passed on she has been living home.”

“When did Bob die?”

“In November I went to the funeral.”

Alun is quite shocked, as since Jillian departed with her play to England, he hadn’t had contact with her parents, “I didn’t know.”

“Bob’s passing was sudden, it was his heart and this time couldn’t be blamed on rich food.”

“Then when you next speak with Jillian, give her my love and tell her I often think of her.”

“She knows about you and Tay,” Alun says.

“Did you tell her Peter?’

“You should know me better that that Alun. No she heard through a friend, it was Wayne who told her.”

“Has my being with Tay shocked her?”

“Not at all, Jillian suggested you were always heading that way and it was for that reason she wouldn’t agree to marry you.”

“I didn’t know.”

“Women have a sixth sense when it comes to men Alun; it was Jillian who told me long before you came out about Tay.”

“I’m a little lost for words.”

“You can pour me another drink if you’re offering,” Peter suggests and passes Alun his empty glass.

Alun mixes the drink and takes a second beer, “it’s funny,” he quietly says.

“What is?”

“It appears the whole world knew my business even before I had any.”

“You mean being gay. You do realise it doesn’t just happen overnight, it’s always there, some fight it, some simply marry and live with it, others like Jillian’s friend Wayne meet it head on.”

“Do you know Wayne?”

“I met him a couple of times while visiting Jillian.”

“He can be a little – well you know.”

“A little, that is understating.”

“What hurts is Jillian went to you and couldn’t face me when she returned.”

“I am considered neutral in her life, someone she can talk to who is unconnected with her past, besides under the circumstances she couldn’t come to you.”

“Why is that?” Alun all but snaps the words at his brother.

Peter takes his wallet from his pocket and extracts a chit of folded paper, “Jillian has asked me to give you this. It is her mother’s new address and she said you could visit her but not for a while, as she has some things to work through firstly.”

“When did Jillian’s parents move house?”

“Midyear and before Bob’s heart gave out, some says his financial problems during the selling of the house is what caused his heart to fail. Another thing, Jillian said she will write to you when she is ready for a visit, so don’t go off halfcocked like you usually do and visit before.”

Peter’s visit gave Alun much to think about, confused he pondered long for a reason why Jillian was avoiding him, arriving at the conclusion it must be because of his relationship with Tay, yet Peter was adamant against such thinking. Almost a month had passed without further from Jillian with Tay becoming concerned for Alun’s moping but allowed him to work through his problem without interference.

With breakfast over and the day’s chores planned, Taylor walked with Alun as he was taking the kitchen scraps out to the chickens. As Alun upended the slops bucket into the chicken trough Taylor questioned Alun’s glumness.

“It’s nothing Tay,”

“You haven’t been your usual self since Peter left. Did Peter say something to upset you?”

“No, of course he didn’t.”

“Then what is bothering you?”

“It’s Jillian.” Alun turns on the tap and fills the water trough.”

“Do you regret breaking up with Jillian?” Taylor asks.

“Heck no, besides if you recollect she broke off with me, not I with her.”

“Then what is the matter?

The two walk towards the stables. At first nothing is said then Alun makes a comment on the bay mare’s wound. Further on Alun takes a deep breath and speaks, “Jillian has been in contact with Peter since she returned. He even picked her up from the airport.”

“Why should that worry you Alun?”

“It doesn’t. What concerns me is that dumb Christmas card with its cryptic message and no return address.”

“What did Peter say about it?”

“Only Jillian wishes to meet and he gave me her mother’s new address but with a proviso.”

“And what is the proviso?”

“She would contact me when she is ready.”

They reach the stable yard and Taylor inspects the mare’s wounding from the wire fence “she will be fine,” he says.

“It’s all so weird,”

“Different maybe,” Taylor agrees, “what can you do about it, except respect her wishes?”

“I have her new address, maybe I should turn up unannounced.”

“No Alun, don’t do that.”

Alun releases an agreeing sigh, “I suppose you are right, always sensible Taylor to a fault. What would I do without you to put me straight?”

January turned into February and entered into March, with Alun all but forgetting Jillian’s message delivered through Peter. There had been the summer fire that started with a lightning strike down by the river and burned up to the fenceline on the south side, and the sow had birthed seven piglets and the injured mare was in late season foal. Most of all Peter forewent the big wedding instead having a civil ceremony, believing the logistics of getting either family to gather at the one place at the same time much too difficult.

It was March fifteen, a date for some possibly unlucky, when the letter arrived. Its addressing was scratchy and incorrect but definitely in the hand of Jillian. Taylor brought the mail from the road on returning from shopping. He finds Alun cleaning the kitchen’s ancient wood stove in readiness for the winter, as it was used for heating.

“You have a letter,” he says while dumping the groceries onto the kitchen table.

“A bill?” Alun suggests.

“It appears to be in Jillian’s hand.”

Alun wipes his face leaving a sooty smear, bringing humour to Taylor.

“You look like the black and white minstrels.”

“Huh!” Alun quickly opens the envelope and reads. “It’s from Jillian.”

“I said as much. What does she say?”

“She wishes to see me.”

“What else?”

“Nothing really, only she would like me to visit and suggests Friday of next week.” Alun folds the now sooty letter to his pocket and returns to his cleaning.

“Will you go?”

“Yes, even if only to satisfy my concern and put an end to a past chapter of my life.”

“You could visit your mother while down in the city,” Taylor suggests.

“I could but won’t. Michael is back with Dianne and staying at home until they can find somewhere else.”

“What brought that on?” Taylor asks.

“The old adage, one in the hand is worth two in the bush, I should think.”

“How do you relate that to Michael’s return?”

“You can imagine how randy a man can get living way up there in the Pilbara with nothing but dozens of sweaty arsed men to contend with.”

“I don’t know, it could be fun but I get your drift.”

Alun had been away from the city for so long he found driving in traffic somewhat disquieting and was more than please once through the older narrowing streets of the northern suburbs to reach the quieter south east, arriving in Moorabbin during the mid afternoon. Jillian’s street was known to him as close by was the address of a mate he often visited during his school years. Back then it was an undeveloped housing estate where they rode their BMX bicycles along the empty streets and played havoc with the new building sites.

There was trepidation as Alun approached the house. He held his breath as he knocked, then as quickly he released the breath realising he was being over dramatic. It took a second knocking to bring answer. The door opens presenting a much older woman than expected and thinking how three years had taken Jillian’s mother from a spritely middle aged woman to one bent and grey. He forces a smile, “Mrs. Evans.”

“Alun it has been a long time. Jillian is expecting you, come in.”

Alun is about to create conversation but thinks better of doing so. The house is old, he remembers the previous Evans’ residence and its airy rooms with the scent of lavender, now all he can sense is gloom and dust and that distinctive smell old people often get during their twilight years. He follows the woman along a narrow passage to a small living room and as the door opens Alun is beyond surprised towards shock from what he perceives. Firstly a child is playing on the floor with a toy truck and who he assumes to be Jillian confined to a wheelchair being hardly recognizable, her knees covered with a brightly coloured woolen throwover rug, while, even on a warm day, a shawl drapes about her neck.

“Jillian,” he says, more from shock than any greeting.

“I am pleased you made it,” she says, her voice is weak and listless.

“I’ll leave you two to talk. Do you need anything Jill?”

“No thank you mother.”

The door gently closes behind.

“What has happened?” Alun asks.

“As you can see I am unwell.”

Alun attempts to speak but cannot find the words.

“I am terminal Alun.”

“Can’t the doctors do something?”

The child stands and approaches Jillian.

“You play a while Alun while mummy is talking,” Jillian says.

“Who’s kid,” Alun asks.

“Can’t you recognize your own son, Alun?”

“My kid?” Alun is struck with disbelief.

“Alun is going on three years now and if you wind back time his conception would be during your last visit my apartment before I left for England.”

“And you said nothing for all this time.”

“No, I wished to bring Alun up by myself. I knew about you and Taylor and didn’t want to make it difficult for you but I didn’t envisage what was to happen.”

“What happens now?” Alun asks.

“That is up to you Alun, I’ve only weeks left and mum is unwell and past bringing up a second family. I was hoping you would take Alun on.”

“It all so much to comprehend,” Alun says.

“Other than put him up for adoption, I don’t have many choices,” Jillian’s voice is sorrowful and failing. Her breath rattles from her chest but she is well beyond tears.

“Of course Jillian; I would be proud to look after Alun but will he take to me, it will be all so sudden for his young head to comprehend.”

“Alun knows about you and that his dad is coming to take him to a new home. I’ve spent a lot of time preparing him for my end, even so I know it will be wrenching for him when the time comes.” Jillian calls the lad to her side, “Alun say hello to your daddy.” The child turns and smiles he says daddy but appears confused as if it was a word strange to his limited vocabulary.

“Hello Alun, would you like to come and live with me?”

Again the child smiles but little more.

“I’ll need to run it past Tay but whatever he says, yes I’ll be proud to look after him.”

After a time of heart wrenching conversation Alun comes away and books a motel room. Firstly he calls Taylor who unsurprisingly is eager to have little Alun living with them, also happy for Alun to take the time to remain in the city and associate with the boy, while helping Jillian through her final weeks. Daily Alun would visit Jillian and sit with her, then take little Alun for walks and surprisingly he appeared to be bonding.

Eventually at Jillian’s suggestion it was decided to take the boy to the country for a couple of days to see how he reacted among strangers while being absent from his mother. The lad was quiet during the trip but attentive as all things country was new. As they drove up to the house the lad’s eyes widened and he pointed towards the paddock “horsies,” he says and begins to laugh.

“Do you like horsies Alun?”

“Horsies, the boy repeats.”

“When you are old enough you can have your own horse. How would you like that?”

Two days past quickly with everyone making a fuss over the lad and he immediately bonded with Taylor, even so there was obvious signs he was missing his mother. After the second day Alun contacted Jillian with the results of Alun’s visit and agreed to bring him back the following morning, this time it was arranged for Alun to stay at the house.

On his return Alun made a detour to Toorak and his father’s new office building and after parking in David’s personal space he decided to introduce the boy to his grandfather, although doing so was more to prove a point towards himself than any wish to give his father pride. As Alun locked the car a voice boomed from across the small parking allotment.

“Hey you can’t park there!” It was the building’s caretaker and in no mood for interlopers onto his territory.

“It’s me Ken, Alun Hughes, so you are still working for the old bugger?”

“My apologies Alun, lately shoppers from the arcade across the street have taken to parking in here. Mr. Hughes is having his vehicle serviced that’s why it is missing. He arrived back by taxi only a few minutes ago and I should think he is in his office.”

Alun thanks the caretaker and collects the lad into his arms, “we’re going to see your granddaddy,” he says and confidently enters into the building.

Alun gives a wry smile as he approaches the outer office, discovering a new secretary, ‘another conquest,’ he imagines as the young lady lifts her eyes from her work. She is obviously ready to challenge.

“May I assist you?” she says.

“I’ve come to see David.”

“Have you an appointment?”

“No but I think he will see me.”

“He is rather busy at the moment, so you will need to make an appointment at the desk in the lobby.”

Alun places the lad down and holds his hand, “Tell him his son Alun Hughes would like to see him.”

The woman hesitates then opens the door to David’s office. It closes and moments later she returns, “Please go in Mr. Hughes,” once spoken she retakes her seat without regarding him further.

David is seated, his expression is anticipating.

“Dad,” Alun greets and for the first time in his life he is approaching his father on equal terms and is confident.

“What’s your problem boy,” David says.

“No problem, simply a son coming to see his father.”

“Are you still shacked up with that homosexual mate of yours?”

“I am.”

“You know I don’t approve of your deviant habits.”

Alun simply smiles, “I don’t want your approval dad.”

“Then what do you want and who is the kid?”

“His name is Alun. He is your grandson and my son with Jillian.”

David’s eyes flicker but little more.

“He was born while Jillian was in England but she never told me. Now she is dying and has asked me to take charge of little Alun.”

“What do you know about bringing up a kid?”

“Not a lot but I know Tay and I can give him more love than you gave any of us.” Alun picks up the lad and gently kisses his cheek, “well Alun he is your granddaddy but I don’t think you will see him again,” he turns and as he departs speaks the last words he would to his father, “you know where I live, contact me when you decided to be a father and a human being.” Softly he speaks to the child, “come on Alun we are not wanted here.”

After delivering the boy back with Jillian, Alun left for home with the promise Jillian’s mother would contact when it was time to collect little Alun, while during that time she would prepare him for her demise. It was sad for Alun to leave the boy, also to leave Jillian in such a condition but she had a strong determined nature and her mother for comfort.

It was almost a month before the telephone call came advising Jillian had passed peacefully the previous night with Alun taking responsibility for the funeral costs but allowing Jillian’s mother to make the arrangements. Alun went down for the funeral and after collected the boy gives promise to bring him back to visit his grandmother often.

Once back on the farm the boy had room to grow and a family to love him, little Alun soon became attached to both his father and Tay and his pining for his mother soon lessened but Alun would never let him forget what a wonderful, loving mother Jillian had been and how she unselfishly gave him up to his father knowing Alun would do right by the lad.

Now little Alun had room to run and two dads who dearly loved him.

The End

Gary’s stories are about life for gay men in Australia’s past and present. Your emails to him are the only payment he receives. Email Gary to let him know you are reading: Conder 333 at Hotmail dot Com

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