Published: 8 Oct 2020

“How did Wayne go?” Ivy asked as soon as Lewis arrived home hardly before he had time to settle into his afternoon chores. Lewis gave her an almost complete rendition of her son’s conversation and feelings, downplaying that to do with woe and stress, which appeared to relieve Ivy’s to a degree but there remained an air of sadness about her, which would retain until their next reunion.

“Oh there was someone looking for you and he was the image of one of Jimmy’s ghosts; now how spooky is that?” Ivy related the previous day’s visit from Calvin.

“I ran into him in town, he is a brother of a friend of mine,” Lewis answered attempting to make the encounter as common as possible while playing down Jimmy’s prediction. Then from nowhere he broke his news. “Ivy I will be leaving Gilbert Downs in a few weeks and returning to the tablelands.”

“What brought this on?”

“Many things,” Lewis gave a grin of reflection, “possibly Jimmy was correct, maybe I’m mentally not cut out for station life.”

“Is it something to do with your visitor?”

“No,”

“Have you told anyone else yet?”

“No, I’ve been thinking of it for quite some time but only made up my mind recently while visiting mum in hospital. As for yourself when were you thinking of leaving?” Lewis enquired of Ivy planned departure.

Ivy smiled and shook her head, “tomorrow if I had my way but I would have to find work first to keep Wayne at school,” she sighed, “It always comes back to money,” Ivy became serious, “I hope you didn’t mention so to Wayne, I wouldn’t wish to get his hopes up.”

“I wouldn’t do so Ivy but I did make a promise I won’t be able to keep.”

“What would that be?” Ivy asked.

“He made me promise to teach him how to ride the motorbike.”

“More than likely he would have forgotten by the second week back at school, besides if I’m still here I’m sure Bob will do so.”

“Hey I almost forgot, I told Wayne he could contact me if he ever wanted to talk to anyone, I hope you don’t mind.”

“No I appreciate your interest in him; he likes you and holds a lot of respect for you.”

“If I’m ever up that way I will call in, maybe take him for a day’s outing.”

“Again that would be appreciated, I will let management know.”

It was the following weekend before Lewis built enough courage to render his resignation. After Saturday’s evening meal he crossed to the big house where he found Jack enjoying a quiet drink and smoke on the front stairs as Elizabeth disapproved of smoking in the house, especially when the children were at home.

The evening had cooled somewhat and the air contained a measure of melancholy, which was accentuated by the calls from night birds as they searched for twilight roost. Lewis slowly ascended the wide steps and greeted his boss, pausing at half distance at the dividing landing, with a set of steps descending left and right giving the old building more grandeur than the structure merited.

“Evening young fellow, would you like a beer?” Jack offered but Lewis declined, thinking accepting a drink then resigning may seem somewhat rude.

“Evening Mr. Thompson, may I talk with you for a moment?” Lewis’ voice appeared apologetic.

“Sure take a seat.” Lewis sat some steps below Jack but remained silent.

“Did you friend find you in town?”

“Yes he’s the brother of a mate of mine.”

“What’s troubling you lad?”

“I will be returning to Mareeba soon.” Lewis advised his voice hesitant.

“I could see that coming. You will be missed,” Jack answered with a disappointed sigh.

“I’ll stay until you can find a replacement,” Lewis promised.

“You will be hard to replace but if he agrees, I’ll ask Bob Kelly to take on the cowboy position, as it will be easier to find a stockman than a good cowboy and one that satisfies Elizabeth.” Jack took a second glass and filled it, then handed it to Lewis. “Have you told anyone as yet?”

“Only Ivy and that was only a suggestion in passing, I’ll tell the others when I have made arrangements.”

“What will you do?”

“Possibly return to Melbourne, that was always my attention anyway.”

“A long way,”

“A long way from the past to the past,” Lewis commenced to grin.

“What’s tickling you lad?” Jack asked.

“Only I’ve been telling folk about returning to Melbourne for so long I was given the title of the stay behind kid.”

“The stay behind kid;” Jack repeated and refilled his glass.

“I’ll miss the bush.”

“What about your horse?”

“I’ll miss her as well, I thought of offering her to Bob, or if he isn’t interested possibly you could cut her back into the station’s mob.”

“She’ll be looked after.”

“I’ve enjoyed being here,” Lewis admitted.

“You do a good job but you heart has never been here, anyone could see that.” Jack paused and offered Lewis a refill.

“Best I don’t,” Lewis declined his mood far from drinking.

“I reckon you will always have a foot in both camps no matter where you go but you will never completely belong in the bush. As for myself I could never belong to the town.” Again Jack paused, “that will be your burden but I think you can work with it.”

“I hope so,” Lewis stood to leave, “sorry for such short notice.”

“As I said I saw it coming, some just pack and leave without a word but one thing Lewis, although there would always be a job for you here, once the decision is made don’t look back, it’s never wise to fall back on what feels comfortable.”

“Someone else said that some time back.”

“There you go – good horse-sense.”

“Goodnight Mr. Thompson.

“It’s Jack but you will never change, yes goodnight Lewis and make your arrangements with Stan.”

Sunday morning as Lewis was leaving to perform his kitchen duties he was met by Bob on the motorbike and crossing the flat at a rate of knots then as he approached slid the machine sidewards in the red dust, spraying Lewis with grit. Lewis gave an exaggerated cough.

“You’ve got it going?’

“Yep she runs like a charm, want a ride?”

“Later but give me a lift to the kitchen.”

Lewis climbed onto the pillion and wrapped his arms around the lean and powerful frame of Bob as he opened the throttle and reached the gate to the house yard in seconds.

“I bought you something, come down tonight.” Lewis said as he disappeared up the kitchen steps.

During that day Lewis felt an old emotion. One he had thought he would never know again, it was happiness. That afternoon lightness came over him and the weight of Will’s demise lifted. He felt the sun and saw the trees and even the dust smelt pleasant and the birds sang sweeter, yet lurking behind it all was uncertainty.

Lewis hadn’t seen Bob since breakfast but true to invite he arrived that night and bounded up the stairs like an energetic child.

“Bob have you been drinking?” Lewis asked as Bob reached the top step.

“Only a little,” he laughed and gave a war whoop.

“A little?”

“A lot,” Bob declared.

“You really need to cut back on your drinking as others are commenting.” Lewis advised.

“You need to lighten up,” Bob growled, thinking Lewis was destroying the ambience of his mood, “anyway what have you got for me?”

“Under the circumstances I shouldn’t give it to you.” Lewis reached into a box on the table and extracted a fresh bottle of Glenfiddich which he handed it to Bob, “I bought two for you when I was in Mareeba but didn’t think it wise to give you both at once.”

“You’re a strange fellow, in one breath you tick me off for drinking then almost before you have finished, you give me more.”

“True,”

“Thanks all the same, I promise I’ll drink it slowly.” Bob promised.

“I have something to tell you,” Lewis quietly spoke.

“Sounds serious, what would that be?” Bob asked without showing much interest as he read the bottle’s label.

“I’m leaving in a couple of weeks.”

“Where to?” Bob’s mood took a nose dive, becoming quiet while placing the bottle from reach.

“Mareeba at first then possibly back to Melbourne.”

“Shit Lewis what about me.”

“You’ll be okay the boss is going to offer you the cowboy job.”

It was then Lewis saw a side of Bob he had never encountered, he became like a sullen little boy who was on the verge of tears. Bob took a deep breath and realising what he had just uttered changed the subject.

“What are you going to do with the motorbike?”

“The boss said I could keep it but seeing you did most of the work on it then it’s yours,” Lewis offered.

“What about Horse and the foals, you love that horse and I doubt you could take her to Melbourne.”

“The foals are going to the boss for the kids but I was hoping you would take Horse.”

“Sure, but it isn’t going to be the same without you around here.

That Lewis couldn’t better and not being able to think of anything further to say, he instead offered Bob a drink, which he accepted without hesitation.

“Anyway Bob I thought you were thinking of going to Cairns?”

“That was the grog talking; I was feeling sorry for myself seeing my ‘Ex’ went and got married.”

‘So you do remember saying that after all.’ Lewis thought.

‘I wonder what else you remember;’ a silent question.

‘You are a very mixed up worry my friend,’ a silent statement.

‘But a cute mixed up fellow at best,’ that also remained but a thought.

Lewis didn’t answer Bob’s confession. The truth was he didn’t know how without either making a fool out of Bob or declaring his own sexuality.

“Who was that bloke looking for you the other day?” Bob enquired before asking for another beer.

“The brother of a friend of mine,” Lewis answered.

“Who was the friend?”

“He died in a car accident.”

Bob instantly twigged, remembering Lewis’ confession of someone he cared for who had died, it was as if a light bulb flashed behind Bob’s eyes and everything he knew and thought of Lewis became obvious.

“Are you going to Melbourne with him?”

“Funny question Bob why would you think that?” Lewis once again felt Bob digging deeply into his privacy.

“Well he looked like some southern slicker and you always talked of returning to Melbourne.”

“He’s actually from Mareeba.” Lewis corrected. So Bob had placed two with two and ended up with the correct answer. ‘Too smart by half,’ Lewis thought.

Once again Bob’s visit ended in him being too drunk to walk back across the flat and having to stay the night. Lewis was now becoming somewhat irritated with Bob and his on again off again sexuality, which didn’t eventuate in anything but frustration.

“Suppose I better be going.” Bob said and stood, almost immediately he fell back into his seat.

“I don’t think you should be staggering back in the dark.”

“I suppose not,”

“Use the spare bed.” Lewis offered.

Again Bob stood but didn’t advance further.

“Come on Bob I’ll help you into the spare bed.” Lewis offered. Bob staggered to the bedroom then began to undress until he stood naked before Lewis in the semidarkness of the room. He commenced to giggle then became serious.

“I want you to do something for me.” Bob asked as his voice choked in his throat.

“You’re drunk Bob.”

“Not that drunk that I don’t know what I’m doing.” He spoke with his eyes caste to the room’s rough floor boards. His eyes lifted and pierced deeply into the very soul of Lewis, while the only sound to be heard was the hissing of the carbide light beside the bed.

Seconds past;

“Sure anything,” Lewis answered with a nervous quiver.

“Anything?”

“Yes Bob, anything.”

Another pause, even longer, as emotion appeared to flow in both directions.

“I want you to let me cuddle into you.” Bob paused and quickly added. “I don’t want sex I’m not that hard up.” He attempted humour but failed while nerves quietly gurgled in his throat.

“Sure Bob – but.”

“Shut up with the talking.” Bob growled.

Then the motion of dreaming took control. Lewis undressed while Bob kept his stance. Lewis commenced to speak, “Are you sure -”

Bob cut across the question, “don’t say anything; just turn out the light and get into bed.”

Without speaking further Lewis doused the light before placed his now naked body between the coolness of his sheets, where he lay in nervous anticipation. Soon Bob made his move and placed himself beside and cuddled into his back. Placing his arm around Lewis’ chest Bob began to quietly sob. Lewis turned and took Bob into his arms and held him. Nothing was spoken between the two nor was advantage taken but with the dawn once again Bob had gone. Leaving Lewis’ intended departure a little sadder than he anticipated it would be, while holding the understanding that now he couldn’t stay as where could their relationship advance but to denial and possibly revulsion.

The mail truck brought Lewis good news, Calvin had taken a short term lease on a house in Mareeba and with its address he gave his eagerness to have Lewis join him. Soon after the letter arrival Lewis had Jack contact the Georgetown post office to send a telegram, which declared he would be leaving for Mareeba on the following Wednesday. Then with the offer from Stan Wilson to drive him to Forsayth and the train, Lewis prepared for his departure.

The day before his departure Lewis crossed the river to the cairn, more to give his respects to Jimmy although against his decision never to visit there again. He knew that with Calvin he would always be close to Will and the shrine he had all but worshiped was only rocks.

Standing on the flat top of the cairn, all the memories of his stay on Gilbert Downs flooded back. They were good times even if he carried sorrow. Now he understood Jimmy’s words and he would leave blackfellow’s country and stop riding sad horses.

A gentle breeze came across the Gilbert and collected leaves, scurrying them high above. Lewis watched as they whirled and finally fell in slow motion back to the ground.

A voice in the breeze.

Thoughts of Will and a measure of guilt for continuing life without him.

The breeze appeared to release him from his bind with Will. It seemed to say just remember me kid and it will work out – it will work out.

“I will always love you Will, please forgive me if I also love Calvin,” Lewis spoke into the heat of the day. The breeze appeared forgiven as it softly brushed his face.

‘Could I love Calvin?’

Lewis thought so.

He hoped so but it would be strange, like being with a ghost, calling Will’s name, smelling Will’s scent, feeling the strength of Wills arms around his body. He shuddered and took a deep breath, “yes it will work out,” he said softly. Look after Lewis for me, those were Will’s final words to Calvin and in Calvin’s mind it was less than necessary to ask.

“Oh Will,” Lewis sighed and climbed down to the flat ground beside the Gilbert sand. One final glance up through the climb, he imagined he saw Jimmy, it was but that, wishful thinking and imagination. He shared a memory of Jimmy along with that for Will, wishing he had been more a friend to the black man and learnt more from his wealth of country knowledge.

As Lewis mounted Horse something shiny caught his eye, stooping he collected a small agate of strange colouring, almost green and polished by its tumble along the river. Lewis pocketed the stone and rode away without turning back towards the cairn. It would be his keepsake from his time at Gilbert Downs, a pleasing reminder of friends he had made and of Bob and his confused sexuality.

The stone felt warm in his pocket, warm from the sun which warmed his face his soul his being, ‘yes Will I am sure it will work out.’ A final sigh as for the last time he recrossed the Gilbert sand. He noticed the cattle on the grass beside the long stretch of water now shrinking daily while waiting for the next wet season; they also noticed him but turned away without interest.

A job following behind the cow’s arse was Bob’s description. His though returned to the night Bob stayed, he again felt his cuddle and smiled. Although noting had been said since, between the two was developing an understanding, a true friendship without need of physicality and even a straight man such as Bob could enjoy the feel of a mate without need to progress further. Lewis’ heart jumped as he managed the low river bank and a song formed as he returned to the homestead.

The return from the cairn was slow as this would be the final ride on Horse who he would miss most of all but he knew he was leaving her in good hands with Bob. Back at the night horse paddock he released Horse to her foals patted her neck and kissed her muzzle and cried.

“Goodbye my dear friend.” He quietly said as she trotted back to her young. He turned without looking back with the knowledge he would never see her again.

That final night Bob once again visited Lewis but was sober and refused all offers of alcohol. He spoke freely and openly, while both skirted around their emotions towards each other. Both knew that it could never be anything else but a beautiful friendship and by the turning of the night they shook hands at the door, followed by embrace and a pat on the back, a mutual sigh and the escaping of a single word from Bob “well,” he said, “I guess so,” Lewis answered and understood what Ian had related during their camping experience, how Ian could love a man without the need for touch, as was developing between him and Bob.

“Will you keep in touch?” Bob asked, while still holding onto the hand shake.

“I could do that Bob but that would mean you will have to write as well.” Lewis jested.

“I can manage that,” Bob smiled weakly then continued, “Maybe one day you will ask me to visit?” Bob added.

“Anytime Bob you wouldn’t have to ask.”

“And you and your mate can put me up in Melbourne.”

“My mate?” Lewis answered curiously.

“Yes your mate and maybe more,” Bob reluctantly released his hold onto Lewis’ hand and without further conversation he retreated soberly back to the bunkhouse.

Lewis watched as Bob’s figure mingle with the darkness and disappear into the night until nothing remained but the sound of his boots upon the harden ground, Lewis realised that Bob would not be there the following day to see him away. He understood and accepted it as he had with Ivy and her farewell to Wayne. As he had with his own mother those many years previously at the hostel.

That final day there wasn’t ceremony and Lewis’ farewell existed of Jack, his wife Elizabeth, Joyce and Ivy, Walter Drysdale was away working at Freshwater and no Bob. Lewis placed himself into the cabin of the land-rover and called Ivy across.

“See ya’ Ivy and I’ll call in to Herberton and visit Wayne if that is alright with you.”

“Thank you he would appreciate that; I’ll let them know you will call in.”

Lewis then spoke softly close to Ivy’s ear, “I may see you back on the tablelands or even Melbourne.”

“Quite possibly the first,” Ivy answered with a smile.

“You ready lad?” Stan asked.

“I guess so,”

Then he was gone – a chapter closed.

Gary’s stories are all about what life in Australia was like for a homosexual man (mostly, before we used the term, “gay”). Email Gary to let him know you are reading: Gary dot Conder at CastleRoland dot Net

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