Published: 08 Apr 2014
I expected us to take a short nap, but I guess no-one was anxious to get moving again, because Jerry shook the three of us awake after an hour’s nap. “Aaron, what do you think? We can get to Eagle’s Nest either by way of the Alpine Meadows or the Cascades.”
“You know what my choice would be,” I said. “I’d always choose the Cascades but, since Susan is new to this, Alpine Meadows is definitely an easier hike. It would take about the same length of time since Alpine Meadows is easier, but longer.”
“Or we could split up,” Edward said. “I know both routes as well as you do.”
“Ok, Susan and I will take the Alpine Meadows trail. Aaron?”
“I said I would choose the Cascades trail but, if you and Susan don’t mind, I think I’ll tag along with you.”
“Andreas, the Cascades trail is pretty steep and rugged, but it is beautiful. It is up to you. I’ll hike either one,” Edward said.
Andreas looked at me as if asking for permission. That was something we had to talk about. I certainly didn’t want him looking at me as a parent, although I did some of the duties of one I suppose, but I was not his father. “Andreas, the Cascades trail is really beautiful, but is very rugged. You need to decide whether you are up to it or not.”
“I’m fine,” he answered. “You don’t mind if I go with Edward?”
I started to ask “Why should I?” but thought better of it and just said, “Not at all”.
We all got our backpacks on, after making sure we had all our trash in them, and started. Shortly after we left the glade, we separated.
The Alpine Meadows are a series of mountain meadows rising in what were natural terraces. The slope was gentle, but constant, between the stone ledges forming the terraces. Some of the terraces were very steep, essentially straight up, but they were never very long so hiking was generally very easy. A couple times Jerry went on ahead so he could help Susan up a ledge which was very steep and with few footholds, but she seemed to be enjoying the hike, unlike the morning one.
About half-way across the meadows was a huge boulder, twenty or thirty feet high at the front and ground level at the back. The three of us walked onto it and to the forward edge. The day had been cool and, when we got to the top, there was a gentle breeze which seemed almost cold — since we were all sweating from exertion getting to the top of the boulder. The sun had warmed the rock and it felt soooo good when I lay on my stomach, looking across the valley to rock cliffs on the other side. After lying on my stomach for a while, I turned over and watched the white fluffy clouds moving slowly across the sky. After several minutes I laughed when I realized I was playing a game I had played as a child — imagining the clouds were first one thing and then another.
“Something funny, Aaron?” Susan asked.
“Yeah, see that cloud up there? It’s Mickey Mouse. See? There’s his ears and there is his nose,” I said as pointed out parts of a large cloud almost overhead.
“Look, he’s changing into a duck,” Susan laughed.
“You both have lost it. A cloud’s a cloud,” good-natured and literalist Jerry said.
“Use your imagination, Jerry,” Susan said.
“I did, and it’s still a cloud,” he replied.
Our talk drifted from one thing to another. Susan asked about Andreas. Jerry told her about his being beaten, but not why. She was very clever at probing for an answer to that question, but I was clever enough to realize what she wanted and not to give it to her. Jerry asked what the latest from the doctors was. “There was good news and bad news,” I answered. The good news is that he’s doing very well. The bad news is that he probably will never play basketball again and may have to restrict other activities. I don’t understand it all, but one of his doctors said, ‘Look, his insides took a real beating and think about it as leaving some weak places which could bust loose if he overdoes things’. He seems fine, but I worry. He has an MRI and CAT scan next week and they should give a more definite answer about the future. I don’t know how he will take it if he is told no more basketball. He had been told he had a clear path to the NBA, and being told the fame and money are not to be is bound to be a blow. We’ll see.”
“I guess a final decision may come as a blow, but he certainly seemed at ease when he told Edward his career might be over. I think being a doctor is more important to him than fame and money,” Susan said.
“Yeah, and I hope you’re right,” I replied.
Lying on the warm rock made me sleepy, so sleepy I was reluctant to get up and get moving — as were Jerry and Susan — but finally we did. We hiked at a leisurely pace, stopping when something interesting caught our attention. We finally reached Eagle’s Nest half an hour or so before sundown. I had expected the two boys to arrive before us since they could move at a good clip without Susan and both were in good shape, so while the trail was strenuous, the distance was much less than the meadows trail and they should have been present, but were not. As time passed, I began to get worried and I could see Jerry was as well, but neither of us said anything — to avoid upsetting Susan.
After waiting twenty minutes, and growing increasingly anxious, I said, “I think I’ll go down the Cascades trail and see what’s holding up the guys.”
“Sure you know the trail?” Jerry asked.
“Yeah, no problem.”
“Got a flashlight?”
“Yeah. I’ll be fine.” I started down the trail and as soon as I entered the woods, it became very dark. Even though the sun had not gone down, it was so low on the horizon that the trees blocked its light. I had gone about a hundred yards down the trail when I saw a light ahead. As I drew near it, I could see the two boys, arm-in-arm coming up the trail. I finally acknowledged a feeling, an emotion I had felt several times earlier in the day. I was jealous! “You really have something to deal with, Aaron,” I said to myself, “and damn soon”.
As I drew near the two, I felt relief and shame because they were not walking arm-in-arm. Edward had an arm around Andreas’ shoulders, using him as a crutch, favoring his left foot. “What’s the problem guys?”
“I stepped on a loose rock. It rolled and I turned an ankle about three-quarters of a mile back. Man, I couldn’t have made it without Andreas.”
“I got worried,” I said, “and decided to see if I could find you. Here, Edward, let me and Andreas pack you to Eagle’s Nest. “Andreas and I formed a pack saddle with our arms, bent forward and Edward sat down. We lifted him and walked as quickly as possible to where Jerry and Susan were waiting.
“What happened? Edward have one of his lazy attacks?” Jerry asked.
“Yeah, I guess he decided there was no way he was going to get away with it otherwise, so he turned an ankle,” Andreas answered.
“How bad is it, Bro?” Jerry asked.
“Pretty sure it is only a sprain, but it hurts like hell. Got an ace bandage in your backpack?”
“Sure.” Jerry took out the Ace and bound Edward’s ankle. “That’ll hold you ’til we get home.”
“We’re not going yet are we? Look, the sunset is going to be awesome,” Edward said.
The sun was almost touching the horizon and it was easy to see a spectacular sunset was already started. “Think you can stand an hour more, Sport?” his brother asked.
“Sure. Wouldn’t miss the show,” Edward answered.
Jerry took from his backpack the two water bottles which had been frozen, and handed them to Edward. “These will help,” he said, as he poured the water and what little ice was left into a plastic bag, making an ice pack.
The sunset did not disappoint us and it was quite dark when we started down the path to where the Jeep waited about a quarter-mile away. Edward was clearly in pain, but didn’t complain. When we reached the house, Mrs. Coghill had Edward ice his ankle and as soon as that was underway, she started serving up a great country supper.
After supper, we cleaned up for Mrs. Coghill and were all ready to turn in after a day hiking. I was half-asleep when Andreas said, “Thanks, Aaron. Thanks very much.”
“For what, Andreas?”
“For bringing me up here, for letting me get to know your friends, for showing me just how beautiful the world is and can be. For letting me know you are there when I need you. For giving me a day with Edward.”
“Thank you, Andreas, for making me aware of… I’m not sure of what except of being alive, of seeing and wanting to see, really see… Just thanks, Andreas. Thanks. I guess it was good being with someone your own age. I know you must miss that.”
“Come off it, Aaron. I’ll be nineteen shortly and you are what? 40?”
“Not quite that ancient. I’m twenty-two.”
“No! Really? Three whole years older! I was six and you were nine. You were twelve and I was nine. You were sixteen and I was only thirteen. You were…” Andreas couldn’t go on because we both were laughing so hard. When he got calmed down he said, “No, it was not about being with someone my own age — he’s older too, you know — it was justt good to be with someone like myself who is essentially carefree. I mean he has to worry about grades in college, and I do in high school, but that’s it. I don’t have to worry about anything. Well, maybe whether or not I get to play basketball again, but we don’t have to worry about things you and Jerry have to worry about — work, getting shot, those kinds of things. Well, I do worry about that sometimes, your getting shot, I mean.”
“Nothing to worry about, Andreas, I don’t plan on getting shot.”
“You do and I’ll kill you,” he laughed.
Sunday Mrs. Coghill went to church and left the five of us to fend for ourselves, which we did very nicely. She had just walked in when the rest of the Coghill clan came in and all of them pitched in finishing Sunday dinner.
After dinner, the grownups gathered on the deck overlooking a stream behind the house where the youngsters were playing. “Andreas, how about joining the kids? This bunch of adults are getting b-o-r boring,” Edward said. The two young men were soon in the creek with the kids.
It was about 3:30 when we were all packed, said our goodbyes and headed back toward Atlanta. “What a great weekend! It was fantastic,” Andreas said. “And now it’s back to school.”
“And next weekend?”
“It’s really late this year, but it’s prom weekend.”
“You going?”
“I paid my prom dues, but I guess not. I’d have to rent a tux and all that stuff.”
“Don’t have a date?”
“Nope, I’m gay, remember?”
“So?”
“So it wouldn’t be fair.”
“Why not? You take a girl to the prom, you have a good time, you show her a good time. Take her home, give her a goodnight kiss. You don’t have to fuck her for heaven’s sake.”
“I don’t know. I wouldn’t feel right.”
“Because you are making too big a deal of it. Go stag if you don’t want a date. Of course, I suspect there are few women available this late in the game, but a girl who hasn’t been asked would tell her grand kids about you. Give it some thought.”
When we got home we put things away, had leftovers from Sunday dinner Mrs. Coghill sent home with us, and both got a shower and crawled into bed.
Sometime in the night I woke to hear soft sobs from Andreas’ bed. I got up, walked to his bed and sat on the edge. “Andreas, you awake? Bad dream? What’s wrong?”
Andreas sat up in bed, wrapped his arms around my neck and really started sobbing. I didn’t know what was wrong so I just held him close. When he regained control, he looked up at me and said, “Aaron, he was beating me again”.
“A bad dream, Andreas, just a bad dream. He will never touch you again. I promise he will never hurt you again.” I held him until he relaxed and went to sleep. I eased him into the bed and stood for the longest time looking at him, wondering what I could do to make his life easier, and I did not come up with an answer.
Monday Ralph came by for me, and I let Andreas drive the Jeep to school since he had an appointment for a follow-up exam at 1:00. I knew he was anxious about it, but he didn’t want me to go with him even though I told him I thought I should be there.
“Man, you sure are uptight today,” Ralph said as soon as I was in the car. I didn’t even have time to say “good morning”.
“You got that right.”
“Today’s the big day for Andreas. Surprised you’re not with him.”
“He didn’t want me to go with him. I let him take the Jeep. His appointment — I guess that’s appointments — start at one.”
“That what he told you? And you believed him? Man, you have a lot to learn about raising teenagers.”
“That’s another thing he got on me about this weekend. He reminded me I wasn’t that much older than he is. He’s a teenager for only a bit over a year then he hits the roaring twenties”. Time dragged terribly. Ralph and I stopped for lunch at noon and when we got back in the car, we had to do a run out to the airport to pick up a package. It was some special stuff really needed by the lab downtown. The plane was late so it was after two when we got the package, and almost three when we got back downtown. When we got back in the car, he drove as if he knew where he was going. “Where are we headed?” I asked.
“Where do you suspect? We’re headed for Grady.” Ralph picked up the car mike and said, “Mattie, Ralph. Aaron and I are headed to Grady to check out something in case you need us.” When we reached Grady, there was a police cruiser parked in the tow away zone. Ralph walked up to the car and spoke to the officer in the driver seat. As he walked back to the car, the cruiser left. “You have to have a few years service before Grady provides free parking,” he said as he pulled into the space just vacated by the cruiser.
When we reached the information desk, Ralph walked up to the elderly pink lady sitting behind the desk and said, “Honey, we’re supposed to be accompanying Andreas Jackson who is here for tests. Can you locate him?”
“It might take a minute. He’s not a patient, right?”
“Right. He’s just here for tests.”
The pink lady dialed a couple of numbers and after the second one said, “He’s in the outpatient waiting room. Do you know your way?”
“Yes, I do. Thank you, Honey.”
“Laying it on a little thick, ain’t you, Dude?”
“Dude, I learned one way to keep pink ladies and waitresses at Waffle House from calling you Honey is to call them Honey first. Here we are.”
Andreas was sitting in the waiting room, a notebook on his lap, his head in a book. “How you be doin’, Dude,” Ralph asked.
Andreas looked up and a huge smile spread across his face. “Hey, Old Dude, I knew you’d come. Thanks.”
“Yeah, Couldn’t keep Aaron away. What’s ‘appin’?”
“Looks like nothin’ ‘appin’. Well, actually, they have taken my blood, my piss, and punched and probed. They did an ultrasound and a CAT scan, and I am waiting to have an MRI made and then I can go. It will be a week before I learn anything.”
“Hurry up and wait… Yeah, I know that routine,” Ralph said.
“Guess you need to be out catching doers of dark deeds,” Andreas smiled.
“Nah, we placed them all on hold while we checked on you.”
We stayed with Andreas until they came and got him for his MRI. I don’t know what took so long, but it was after four when he came back. “I’m done for the day,” he announced. “Want a ride, Roomy?” he asked with a great Andreas smile.
“See you in the morning, partner,” Ralph said as we walked out of Grady. Andreas and I walked to the parking lot and picked up the Jeep. He drove.
I could tell Andreas was uptight and I wasn’t sure if it was because of what he had gone through today, or remembering what had happened, or worry about what might happen. “Worried, Tiger?” I asked.
“Yeah, a little bit. There seemed to be an awful lot of tests and things today, like they were looking for something and couldn’t find it. I don’t know whether I have lost something or what.”
“Know it won’t do any good to tell you not to worry. I do. But you’re in good hands.”
“Yeah, I know.” As Andreas spoke, the phone rang. He was sitting near it and picked it up. “Aaron’s and Andreas’ place, this is Andreas… Oh, hello Ms. Helms. How you doin’?… Yeah, I spent the day at your place… No, don’t know anything yet… Yeah, the man’s here. Aaron, Ms. Helms.”
“LaTonya, what’s ‘appin’?”
“How’d you like to do a repeat of the prom, Aaron?”
“What do you mean?”
“Ms. Allen called me today and asked if I could chaperone for the prom. I asked if I could bring a date and she asked if DeWayne was in town. I told her no, but I thought I might round up an old prom date. Interested, or do you think it would put a crimp in Andreas’ style?”
“He says he’s not going. Got any spare maidens he might escort?”
“As a matter of fact, I do. My next door neighbor’s daughter is in the same fix I was in. She thinks she’s engaged to a sailor who is under the ocean somewhere. I’m sure she’d like to go, but thinks most men might get the wrong idea. Probably be an early night for Andreas since she only wants to go to the prom.”
“Does she bark?” I asked.
“No, you fool, she’s actually very good-looking. Let me talk to Andreas. I know he knows her.”
“Andreas, I have a matchmaker on the phone. She’d like to talk to you.”
“Andreas, Ms. Helms… No, I hadn’t planned on going… I guess I could. I just don’t have a lot of money to spend… Aaron, she wants to speak to you.”
“Yeah, what’s up?”
“Andreas is concerned about the money, I think. Can you handle two proms?”
“If you two don’t expect the limo treatment, sure.”
“Put Andreas back on.”
Andreas listened for a while and finally said, “Sure, I know she’s pretty and a lot of fun… Well, if it will help you out, I’ll go. Aaron.”
“Take it you talked him into it.”
“Sure did. You’ll be proud of him, Aaron, because he cleans up nice and so does she. I’ll be wearing pale yellow and I think she will be in streetwalker red. Talk to you later.”
“You know, I think we were just walked into a trap,” I said as I hung up the phone.
“Yeah, well, if I have to show up at the prom with a female date, LaLisa is the one. She is one good-looking woman — not that that turns me on, but I do appreciate a thing of beauty. And, hey, you didn’t do so bad yourself.”
Tuesday after I got off, Andreas and I made arrangements for tux — very classical and conservative. While we were at the mall, we ordered flowers for the girls and when we got back home, I made dinner reservations at the Peasant Uptown, a place I loved when I could scrape together enough.
“Guess they will just have to go in a Jeep because I am not springing for a limo,” I said.
“Better than a police escort,” Andreas laughed.
“Better keep this a secret or Ralph may show up with a police escort,” I laughed in turn.
The rest of the week was very busy as Ralph and I got assigned to a series of burglaries on the Northside. Man, those people must have piles of money or very good credit. The burglar used the same MO so we were pretty sure it was one person or the same persons. The stuff taken would not be showing up in pawn shops. All of it was art, mostly paintings, but some small sculptures. One man was devastated because the burglar had taken four paintings and left three in the library. The burglar was helpful in one way. He turned on the computer and left a scrolling message, “I never touch forgeries. It is dishonest.”
The insurance company decided to have the paintings checked and they were forgeries. It was doubly funny because the originals had been widely reported as part of a European art theft so the guy who bought them knew he was — at least he thought he was — purchasing stolen goods. Money doesn’t make people honest or change the nature of their crimes, their crimes just involve more money.
Mid-week I made appointments for Andreas and myself to get our hair worked on — Friday after work. One of my classmates had earned his barber’s license when he was sixteen and worked Friday night through Saturday in a College Park barbershop. He was flat out good and had earned enough to get his own apartment and go to Georgia State when he graduated from high school. Now he arranged his class schedule to allow him to work Friday and Saturday and one other day in the week. He had a huge customer base so he was doing well.
As a police officer, I probably should have just shaved my head like most of the black officers, but I didn’t. I kept a “high and tight” cut. Andreas was one of those rare dark-skinned people who had what is known in the black community as “good hair”. It was plentiful, very soft and curly, not kinky. His hair was beautiful so he wore it in what I guess was a standard cut for whites, but rare for African-Americans.
Ralph dropped me off at the apartment. When I got upstairs, Andreas was having a Coke and watching something on TV, I think one of those “I beat her ass because she be fucking my baby daddy” shows. When I came in he turned and asked, “Where do they get these people? They are advertising for women who had a baby by their father or brother. Those people are crazy.”
“Not too crazy to get on TV and make a fool of themselves,” I answered. “Talk about being a disgrace to your race, they are a disgrace to the whole human race. Ready to go get beautified?”
After we had finished at the barber shop, we went by a rib place and ate ribs for supper. “I like ribs, but I wonder if the meat is worth the battle,” Andreas said.
“No question in my mind about that,” I said, wiping the sauce from my face.
On the way home, we picked up our tux. Both fit like they were tailor-made. “If I keep going to proms, I need to buy one of these,” I said.
I had the flowers delivered to the apartment since delivery was free and saved me a trip. By seven Andreas and I were ready. He was one handsome guy — tall, well-built, beautiful rich milk chocolate skin and a smile that would stop a train. “God, you are good-looking,” I said as we stood side-by-side, checking everything in a mirror.
“Not such a bad-looking brother yourself,” he said and smiled.
I don’t know why I didn’t think about the drive, but we had to go to College Park, pick up our dates, then drive all the way across Atlanta for dinner, but the food was worth it, we all agreed. Although the prom started at 8:00, from experience I knew nothing would happen until close to 9:00. The senior walk was at 10:30. At least half the juniors and seniors would show up for the walk and leave soon afterward, having more interesting things to do in the hotel rooms their parents rented for them. Since the prom was being held at the Peachtree Center hotel, we had a relatively short drive after dinner and arrived at 8:30. The band was just getting started and the couples present seemed reluctant to dance. LaTonya and I weren’t and as soon as we started dancing, Andreas and LaLisa joined us.
LaTonya and I danced some, nibbled on the food and visited with teachers. I had seen some of them when I went to the conference for Andreas, some I had not seen since graduation. Ms. Boynton, head of the science-math magnet program, said, “I don’t like to talk shop at a party, but you need to speak to Andreas about next year. Georgia Tech and Georgia State are both putting pressure on me to have him make up his mind.”
“And Emory?”
“I suspect Emory know they don’t stand a chance since they are not a basketball powerhouse,” she smiled. With Georgia Tech being a nationally known basketball school and Georgia State rising in the ranks, Emory’s basketball program was a joke since even basketball players were expected to make the grades to stay in without selected courses, tutors, all that goes with getting basketball players regardless of academics.
“I wouldn’t count Emory out, especially if the other two have to have an answer right away. He is more relaxed than he has been for a while. He had a through going over Monday and hasn’t gotten the results yet. That may answer the basketball question with a big ‘NO!’ but nothing’s sure right now. He would definitely pick Emory, all things being equal, because he really wants to go to med school there.”
“Well, his options will be closing soon, regardless of what he decides.”
“Thanks for the warning. He’s supposed to get the results of his tests Monday. I’ll talk to him then.”
At midnight the band played the last dance and we left. When we were in the Jeep, I asked, “Anyone up for food or drink?”.
“After the food and drink at the prom?” LaLisa asked. “Last year at the junior-senior the food was scarce and bad. I heard the juniors saying that would not happen this year. There really was no need for going out to dinner before but, don’t get me wrong, I really enjoyed it. Andreas, thanks so much for inviting me. I really wanted to go, but would not have gone without a date. You are a gentleman and a scholar,” she laughed, then said, “Hey, never thought about it, but that’s really true in your case”.
We took LaLisa home first. Andreas walked her to the door, took her key and opened the door, kissed her on the cheek and came back toward the Jeep when she went inside. As he approached, LaTonya said, “Someone commented on the lack of social graces among the athletes at the Christmas dance and noted Andreas was an exception, and he sure is. I wonder why?”
“I doubt that it was from home training,” I said. “Or maybe it was from his mom. I did notice he was reading a book on manners right after he agreed to go to the prom. He takes everything seriously, I think, even having fun!”
“He’s a great fellow, but you know that don’t you?”
“Yeah, I do.” I wasn’t sure what LaTonya meant by her remark and kept my response very general.
Andreas was unusually quiet as we rode home after dropping LaTonya off, so much so that I noticed it right away. I wasn’t sure where his thoughts were, so I didn’t disturb him.
As we walked upstairs, I asked, “Did you have a good time, Andreas?”.
“I had a wonderful time,” he said as I unlocked the door. “It was almost perfect.”
“Oh, only almost perfect?” I asked as I turned on the living room lamp. “And just what would have made it perfect?” Andreas suddenly looked down and blushed. “Yes?”
“I… Nothin’, Nothin’, Aaron,” Andreas answered.
“Ahh, come on. You turn down a chance for a perfect evening. May never have another chance.”
Andreas was standing just inside the door, and when I spoke he looked down, digging at the carpet with the toe of his shoe — the exact picture of a nine-year-old asking his first girlfriend for a kiss. He blushed and looked up, half-smiling, half-hesitant. “I’m afraid, Aaron. Just forget it.”
“What horrible thing is it you need to make your evening perfect?”
“Not horrible for me. Maybe for you.”
“Give me a chance to be horrified,” I said. “What would make this a perfect evening, Andreas?”
The young man looked at me, again acting like an embarrassed nine-year-old. He finally looked up, a shy smile on his face. I had to listen hard to hear his soft response. “A dance with you.”
“Whoa,” I said to myself. “What have I let myself in for?” I knew I had thoughts about Andreas — nothing definite, just a feeling, a questioning. Here he was asking me to dance with him and I knew his request implied more than just friendship. I mean it had to, right? I was confused, frightened, unsure of myself, of my world. Wouldn’t a dance with him indicate a kind of feeling and commitment I wasn’t sure I had or could give. Finally I had to respond so I asked, “A dance with me would make your evening perfect?”. I asked as though I had not heard correctly.
“Yeah, but if you don’t want to, I understand. I mean I’m gay and all. And I can understand if you don’t want to and all. Me being gay and all.”
We could straighten out what I did and didn’t feel later, and I did mean later. This was important to a kid who was on his way back from hell. “Put on a CD, Andreas,” I said as I slid open the glass door to the balcony, the only place beside our tiny kitchen that wasn’t carpeted. The balcony wasn’t huge, but it was big enough for a dance.
The CD started and Andreas walked out onto the balcony and took my hand, and pulled me into his embrace as a real oldie started:
Are the stars out tonight
I don’t know if it’s cloudy or bright
‘Cause I only have eyes for you, dear
The moon may be high
But I can’t see a thing in the sky
‘Cause I only have eyes for you
I don’t know if we’re in a garden
Or on a crowded avenue
You are here, so am I
Maybe millions of people go by
But they all disappear from view
‘Cause I only have eyes for you
I was confused, bewildered. Andreas was holding me close as he started singing with the CD. He had to know the effect he was having on me. In fact, it might be clearer to him than to me. I was aroused, more than I could ever remember being aroused. Andreas could not help feeling my hard cock between us. And what really bothered me was I felt like I was where I was supposed to be — in Andreas’ arms, dancing to a love song in a warm spring night. He said a dance with me would make the night perfect, well I hadn’t expected the night to be special, just a bit out of the ordinary. Now he was making the night perfect for me. My mind was a whirl, my thoughts all over the map. Was I gay? Was I in love with Andreas? What would it mean if I were — either gay or in love with Andreas? Could I be in love with him without being gay? Was I taking advantage of him?
If I thought I was confused while we were dancing, my world came to pieces and became whole at the same time when, as the song ended, Andreas put his hand under my chin, tilting it up, smiled and placed his lips against mine in a deep, passionate kiss. His tongue invaded my mouth, bringing with it a taste, the taste of Andreas. I literally dissolved in his arms. My legs became weak, my knees collapsed and, as I started to fall, Andreas swept me into his arms and carried me into the living room. There he placed me on the sofa and stood, looking down at me, a smile starting then being wiped away by worry. He finally sat down beside me and said, “I’m sorry, Aaron. I really am. No, I’m not. I’m not sorry I let you know I’m in love with you, but I am sorry I upset you. Forgive me. Please?”
I couldn’t speak. I was too confused. I reached up and took Andreas’ hand and pulled him down beside me. I looked at him and, for reasons I couldn’t understand, huge tears started running down my face. As soon as he saw them, Andreas slid off the sofa and lay on the floor in fetal position and started sobbing in great, heart-breaking sobs. “Oh, God, Aaron, please forgive me. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Now I have destroyed everything.”
I didn’t know what to say or do and wasn’t sure I could say or do anything. Finally I could stand it no longer and slid off the sofa and gathered Andreas in my arms. When I was able to speak, I said, “Andreas, you have destroyed nothing. I’m not sure what you have done. I am confused, but you have destroyed nothing. I’m not sure what has happened, but I am not sorry that you asked me to dance with you. I do know it felt right and wonderful. But I need time to work through a lot of things, a lot of feelings. Can you give me that? Please?”
“Aaron, I am sure of one thing and maybe only one thing. I love you. I knew it the weekend we were in north Georgia. When Edward and I left the three of you, we were having a great time talking, asking each other questions. I don’t know why, but he asked me if I was gay and I told him I was. I expected him to tell me to get lost — and I would have been had he left me,” Andreas smiled. “He asked me if we were boyfriends and I told him we were not, but that I had fallen in love with you. He asked me some very pointed questions. He wanted to know if I was in love or just grateful for your having taken me in. He really pushed at me to make sure I was in love and not just lusting after your body — I told him I was, but there was more than lust. More than infatuation, I also assured him. He asked when I was going to tell you and I told him I was afraid I would run you off. He was the reason I wanted to make sure you realized you were not a great deal older than I was. All that sort of thing. I had felt I was in love with you before, but after that afternoon with Edward, I was sure.”
“Maybe I need to spend an afternoon with Edward,” I smiled. “Obviously you can get me hot and horny, but I would never base a relationship on that. In fact, it would destroy any relationship we had. I can’t sort out my feelings right now. I’m not sure I am gay. I mean I had a girlfriend that I loved, I really did love her, but… I’m confused, Andreas.”
“That’s ok and you can have all the space and time you need to sort things out. Just don’t feel pity for me and pretend you love me. I’ll wait until you can honestly say you do or do not love me.”
“Andreas, I’ll never lie to you. There is no question that I love you. Never doubt that. The only question, the only one, is the nature of that love.” I got up from the floor, extended a hand and pulled Andreas to his feet. When I did, I embraced him in a bear hug and said, “Andreas, I thought I was the older guy and you are the one who is supposed to be confused.”
“Yeah, well, I guess we are just different.”
It was nearly two in the morning when we got to bed. Andreas was snoring softly soon after he crawled under the covers. I lay awake, playing the night’s events over and over in my mind. I was still questioning them and myself when I finally went to sleep.
I was very sound asleep when I was awakened by a bloodcurdling scream. I shot straight up in bed, confused and disoriented. When I got my bearings, I realized where I was and that Andreas had screamed. About the time I was fully awake, Andreas screamed again. He had rolled himself in a tight ball in the middle of his bed. I went to him and shook him to wake him. When he was half-awake, he put his arms around my neck, squeezing me very tight as he started sobbing. I held him close until he regained control, then asked what was wrong.
“I had a nightmare again, Aaron. I dreamed I told Mom and Kumba I was in love with you and Mom started beating me and Kumba strapped on his gun and went looking for you. It was horrible.”
“It was only a dream, Andreas. You are safe here and I am here. It’s ok. Go back to sleep now.”
“Can I sleep with you? Please?”
“Oh, boy,” I thought. “How can I say no and how can I sleep with Andreas in bed with me?” I guess I was about to find out. “Sure.”
I went back to bed and Andreas climbed in beside me, spooning himself into my back. As he had felt in my arms dancing, so in my bed. It seemed so right, so where he should be.
We slept late Sunday, finally crawling out of bed in the early afternoon. No mention was made by either of us of the events of last night. There was, it seemed to me, a feeling of intimacy in just being together, but it could have been my imagination.
Monday, Andreas was off to school and I drove to the station. Ralph greeted me with, “The Superintendent wants to see the two of us. I was told it is some hush-hush project.”
When we got to the big man’s office, he told us to close the door and take a seat. Before we sat down, he introduced us to Chief Haynes of the Macon Police Department. “Chief Haynes, I’ll let you explain what’s going on.”
“You, of course, know that I-75 runs from Florida north and is the main route for drug distribution from the Florida ports. Macon is a kind of hub for drugs intended for Atlanta, Savannah and Columbus, as well as Macon. The distributors and dealers in Macon are very clever. Macon is small enough that most everyone knows everyone. It’s hard for our boys to do anything because they are known. What we want to do is have someone from the outside go underground and see what they can find out. In looking over files, the Superintendent and I were impressed with your record, Johnson. What had special appeal was the fact that Detective Hicks had recommended you in the most impressive way. He asked for you as his partner. I’m convinced the right person could get the information we need in short time — a month, six weeks max.”
“Johnsoon, I suppose I could order you to take the job, but I won’t. It’s dangerous, and the type of police work that requires the willingness of the person undertaking it. If you accept the task, you’ll die in a way not yet determined. In accordance with your wishes, there will be a small private funeral and your ashes scattered somewhere. There will be a big write-up here and in Macon. We’ll have to work that out. You will be given a new identity as an ex-con. You will be released on a parole and have to report to your parole officer weekly. He will be your contact. There will be no other contacts. I won’t kid you, the job is dangerous. We have lost two officers already to the dealers, at least we think they are responsible. Since you have no family, that problem is eliminated.”
“I do have a young man I took in who is my unofficial ward. What will be done about him?”
“I didn’t know this. What’s the situation?”
I decided if these men were going to be my lifeline, they better be able to handle Andreas’ situation, so I told them why he came to live with me. They promised they would keep an eye out for him and told Ralph he could consider checking on Andreas as part of his job. “I’ll also look into Kumba Richardson’s file, but I will do nothing until you’re resurrected,” the Superintendent said. “Can’t have him snooping around trying to find out where I got my information. Think about the task and let me know in the next day or so. If you decide to take it on, there will be some pretty intense training as well as work creating your new identity. I’d like to have a man on the streets of Macon by next weekend.”
“I wouldn’t have hesitated a few months ago, but now that I am responsible for Andreas, I’m not sure. He will have to know I am not dead. Given his emotional state now I would not subject him to believing I am dead.”
“Do you think he can convince everyone he DOES believe it? I don’t! If he knew, I am much afraid it will put you in greater danger,” the Chief declared.
“Leave Andreas to me,” Ralph said. “If it becomes absolutely necessary, I will tell him, otherwise his distress is your life insurance, Aaron.”
“I’ll have your answer as soon as I can,” I said.
When we got in the car, Ralph said, “Aaron, this is a very dangerous assignment you are being asked to do, but it could make a real difference in the drug trafficking here, and that’s why you became a policeman, right?”
“Right, Of course, right. But now? Now I have Andreas to consider. And even that situation is different than it was a week ago. And he graduates in a few weeks. I might miss that.”
“We’re in a job that does require sacrifices. I’ll make sure there is a full video of the event if you aren’t here for graduation if you accept the assignment. But what’s this about the situation with Andreas changing?”
I had told Ralph nothing about prom weekend beyond the fact that we both had gone and had a good time. “I guess it’s now or never,” I thought to myself, took a deep breath and told Ralph everything.
“Yeah, the situation is different all right. And you two haven’t talked since, I mean about Andreas’ confession of love?”
“No, I don’t know what to say and I guess Andreas is just waiting for me to say something.”
“What are you afraid of?” Ralph asked. “I guess you are not 100% gay. Few are, just as there are few 100% heteros. But, Aaron, LaTonya, Ms. Allen and I have all hinted at what we see and that is you are more on the gay side of the equation than the straight side. I think you know that as well, just haven’t admitted it to yourself.”
“I know I am confused and I guess I am beginning to admit that I am gay. I know one thing, Ralph, I am falling in love with Andreas, but he’s so young.”
“Yeah, when you retire at sixty-five he will be only sixty-two and have to take an early retirement and wait three years for medicare!” Ralph laughed. “Right now we need to be talking about how we are going to deal with Andreas if you decide to take the assignment. I’m worried that if he knows you are ok in Macon, he won’t be able to hide the fact, or at least won’t be able to convince anyone he’s devastated by your death, and anyone who knows him will know something is wrong. I know something about what’s going on there because I got called in to be asked about you. Aaron, I am convinced when this situation blows, there will be a lot of surprises. Right now I wouldn’t trust anyone knowing you are not dead if you take the assignment. Not even Andreas. He might make an innocent slip and get you killed.”
“You are right, of course, but at the same time, I can’t put him through weeks and months of grieving for me, and he would.”
“Certainly true after what you told me about last weekend.” We talked over the next two days as we were going about pretty routine matters. I, of course, had said nothing to Andreas. Life had settled back into pretty much the routine it had been in before the prom. Well, not exactly. There was a lot more touching going on, arms around shoulders when it seemed natural. It was increasingly obvious to me that I might not be 100% gay, but I was close to 100% in love with Andreas. That was why it was getting harder all the time for me to do what I did Thursday. Ralph and I went downtown to headquarters as soon as he picked me up. We went to the big man’s office and I told him I’d take the assignment. I guess the idea that I might — God knows how — lose Andreas to drugs did it. I had never done anything as hard in my life as saying yes to the assignment.
“Great. I was afraid you wouldn’t and I didn’t have anyone else as good for the job.” We then discussed how it would be handled. I wasn’t happy about it, but it was a very good plan.
Thursday, at noon, I got a call on my cell phone — not the police radio — from the superintendent. “Take your car to Perimeter Mall and drive behind the Firestone place. You’ll find my car there. Take it and leave yours. The show is hitting the road.” At 1:00 we got a call to join in a high-speed chase on I-20 west. It was strange because we saw no other police cars on the way out. Somewhere between Atlanta and Douglasville, we saw two cars burning — very strange. When we arrived, the superintendent and Macon’s police chief were the only people present. “How did you guys get here?” Ralph asked as we reach the scene.
“In the two cars,” the superintendent answered, pointing to the burning police and other car. “We finally have our bodies.” The plan called for a high-speed chase of a “felon” by “Aaron”, a chase which ended in a fiery crash. The two cars were to burst into flame, burning the two beyond recognition. The burned bodies would be cremated and the ashes of “Aaron” would be scattered in north Georgia at his request. “Aaron, as of a few minutes ago, is no more. You’ll be taken off the payroll as deceased and all the proper papers filed — death certificate, everything. Even start payments on your insurance.”
“Superintendent, I haven’t changed my beneficiary. I would have changed it to Andreas if I had remembered.
“Aaron, unless this takes over six months, you don’t have to worry. It takes ages for insurance to get straightened out — after the request leaves my desk.”
I hated the plan, but knew it was the best possible way to get rid of “Aaron”. Fortunately, Ralph was the one who would have to comfort Andreas, Jerry, and anyone else who might care.
When the fire department arrived, the superintendent had me in his car along with the Macon chief. When the fire department — it was from Douglasville to make sure no-one recognized me — started putting out the fire, the superintendent left with the three of us in his car. We drove to a secluded spot where the Macon chief’s car had been hidden. I got out and before I left said, “Ralph, take care of Andreas and let him know I love him.” I looked back as we left, wondering when, or even if, I’d see my friends and Andreas again. It was a sobering thought.